Friday, September 14, 2012

And so I told him...

I told Andrew last night that he creeps me out - at least just a little bit... and I don't know if I am right or wrong - I suppose that's not a question to ask anyway really... how I feel is, after all - how I feel. It is not about being "right" or "wrong."

I tend to be a strange mix - I am a very private person, yet - I will talk to anyone about anything... almost.

How do I balance the barrage of questions I get from Andrew on a nearly daily basis..? When am I being to nice in answering something? When is he being to nosey? When does his "concern" become simple nosiness - and where should I place the "line?"

I have never done this before. Can you tell?!

During the past 10 years - he was who I cared about. The thought of "dating" never once crossed my mind.

The ring on his finger meant nothing to him, however. It is apparent he felt monogamy was optional.

So - while he jumped right into life on the other side of this... because it was what he was used to anyway - I have crept along... only recently (well, a couple of months now, isn't it!? I guess time flies when you relax and have fun...!) Anyway - only recently have I even entertained the thought of opening myself up again to someone...

And so... it did not take Andrew long, with his incessant ability to be intrusive into this life I am trying to build for myself - to figure out I have someone I am speaking to - getting close to... and now he realizes - I really will meet this person one day - very soon now... and so - last night, he asked me to have him email him - so he can "get to know" him...

As much as figuring out his thought process intrigues me - I still want to halt him in his tracks with a "wait, WHAT???"

Andrew compares it to the fact that I have met his girlfriend... and I am stuck somewhere between a desire to point out some of the intense differences in the situations - to a desire to purely be defiant - to also knowing, I have nothing to hide - so, "go for it."

"Will you like each other when you meet..?" He asks... "is there relationship potential...?" he tries to push his way into my mind, as hard as he can...

You want me to wear my heart on my sleeve - after the 10 year battering it has been through? (You, he, whichever..) And of all the people I want to speak my inner most thoughts and feelings about this guy with... and on my future overall to - Andrew is probably on the bottom of that list.. So, I ask again - where is normal?

Andrew asks me a question - and my instinctual reaction is to answer it. Albeit sometimes a bit elusively - am I overly nice? Is it the length of time we shared that has him confused about what is normal to share with an ex, and what isn't? Or is it me?

I have no issue with him knowing who I will spend my time with - because of the children... but right now... at this juncture - I find myself questioning his motives... is it curiosity? Is it concern for me? (And, if so - then - I have to laugh - after what he put me through, he holds little right for my concern... I apologize if that sounds jaded..) Is it nosiness?

Maybe he just can not help it. I do know that much about him. He can excuse his intrusiveness in a dozen ways - even to himself... but at what point do I put my foot down - say "you know enough, go live your life and let me live mine..." Or, do I just continue to roll with it?

After all - I have nothing to hide......

Posted Date: : Jun 11, 2008 8:35 PM

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