I have a confession to make....
It may not be a surprise to you - but it is a very hard thing for me to admit... it may even be something I have hinted at before... the thick fog that holds a tight grasp on my memory vaguely remembers the possibility of having brought it up at one point.... nevertheless...
There is a small aspect of moving forward, that terrifies me. Allow me to clarify - I have moved forward on everything. Truly, everything regarding Andrew. Honestly and sincerely. There is just this once small thing... that lingers in the shadows... causing me these moments of self doubt... of uncertainty...
How do I stop worrying with the idea - the feeling - of being in some way - "damaged goods?" A harsh statement, I know. But it is one I do feel, intensely - so very intensely. How do I learn to allow myself to be treated like I am wanted? Like I am not disposable? I do not want to feel like I am bashing my "ex" in this - I really don’t.... yet - it has been so long since I have felt "special." And I did not even REALIZE it... it had just become "normal."
I feel like I am not explaining myself very well... I have a new friend. (Wait, what did she say!? Lisa.. this is LISA we are talking about here.. right!?) Yes... I have a new, sweet friend - and I find myself so constantly stumped - and at a total loss for words with some of the nice, and charming things he says. I just get completely speechless! And I wonder - why did I let myself get to this point - where simply being treated so nicely by someone - is so very startling to me.
I just don’t want to fall on my face - in any aspect of my life.
The other day I found myself reading some of the things I had written from last year... and I dealt with an intense range of emotions in doing that. Sadness, for what went on... irritation, lots of irritation with myself - for the horrible things I allowed myself to accept, the way I allowed myself to be treated. I said the other day - if today, right now, I was to sit down across from myself then, I just might slap me. (The old me.) But - for the sake of acceptance, I understand I must have needed that extra time in that state of mind, for something... (clues, please!?)
And then I get a bit angry - from the way such a happy, life altering, positive time in my life, was in some ways completely stolen from me. I got home from Peru - and well... we know what happened then. Who did I share that experience with!? Not him... he at the time, very clearly had other priorities... No - I shared it here - for you all to read. (My true friends.) (Don’t you feel all warm and fuzzy!?!?)
So... now... moving on. I sometimes feel like I have to learn to interact with people in an entirely new way... well, not "new" just - well... new. (Don’t mind me... I make no sense sometimes...) I have to give myself permission to accept compliments... I have to give myself permission to accept that people really do care... I have to give myself permission to be ME - and it is a little intimidating every so often! But... I am REALLY enjoying it too!
Posted Date: : Apr 8, 2008 2:07 PM
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