Thursday, September 13, 2012

When you arrive at your future, will you blame your past?


"Mommy, will Daddy be home when I am awake?" My daughter asked yesterday... as she always does, as I picked her up from the bus stop...

"No, not today Sweetie..." I said.

"Will he kiss me while I'm sleeping?" Because she knows, if he isn't home when she is awake, he gets home while she is sleeping, and kisses her on her forehead...

"I... I don't know... not tonight sweetheart..." I stumbled out my reply...

"Why not?" Her voice called innocently... from the backseat.

"Daddy is at Uncle Joey's tonight. He is helping him with something..."

The lie stung as it fell out of my mouth. But what more was I to say? I don't have the answers. I don't have the control. All I have is the insecure disaster HE has run away from. And I am the one to face the confused and sad emotion in my children's eyes when Daddy doesn't tuck them in, nor greet them when they awaken.... because to them - he always does one or the other.

I digress.

And - I need to add a personal note here: Andrew - I know that, even if I remove you from my "preferred list" your curiosity to what I wrote, will drive you to just log into my account, and read it anyway - so - consider this your warning. Some of this could be angry. Some sad... some may come across as "throwing guilt in your face" as you put it - and some may simply be nastily sarcastic. If you choose to read it - then deal with it. Feel free... you NEED to know how I am feeling, but DO NOT expect to come back at me and say I am just trying to play a guilt card, etc.

It started, I suppose - with my realization that my husband never - never said the word "love" to me anymore.

And evolved into an argument Thursday morning. Less than a week earlier he had $120, at least. That was supposed to last him to his next check... a total of 2 weeks time. That sounds perfectly reasonable... given I am the one who buys the groceries and anything else we may need for the house. Thursday morning he asked me for money. We have a frighteningly tiny amount of money these days - so - I questioned him about where all his money had gone. (It was the second time in 3 weeks he had made $100 vanish much too quickly...)

Instead of understanding my concern... he got instantly defensive... a red flag in itself... he spouted off to me he did this and that, got gas... (he has a hybrid... if he got gas, why was he saying he needed gas again, already!?!?!? That is WHY we got the hybrid...) and he throws in "and I paid for the hotel room with my other women... what do you think?!?!?!??"

Honestly? With that attitude...? It seems totally possible.

I told him he had crossed a line... bringing up such a sore subject, with the sole intent to hurt me like that. That that is not something to say. I threw $20 at him, and craved his departure from the house.

As the day went on - it became apparent... he did not want to come back.

Because you know - I have been actually paying attention to what the hell he has been doing recently... and I guess, he just can't handle that very much. A few weeks ago I found all these texts between a new girl and himself... numerous texts at 1:30 in the morning... when he was allegedly leaving his Christmas party he never sent me pictures from like he promised. Because you know - he apparently can't handle having to be truthful and faithful. That would just be an abomination....

So... here we are.

I wrote most of the above earlier, in Borders - as he was home with the children. And I have decided instead of elaborating on it - I am going to give myself an hour or so to relax... I just had to put my children to bed..... and face a barrage of questions from them both... "will Daddy kiss me while I am sleeping?" "Will he be home when I'm awake" "Is Daddy going to have a sleepover..."

How is it - HE gets to fuck everything up... HE gets to run away from OUR life.. and I am the one that gets the guilt HE DESERVES????????????

I will be back............ and I have lots, lots more to write.

Posted Date: : Jan 5, 2008 8:39 PM

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