(I wrote this yesterday, during my weekly escape to Starbucks... just, so you know. And, yes, we now return you to your regularly scheduled influx of private blog entries!)
Have you ever felt like you are stuck - wedged in tightly somewhere firmly between complete exhaustion, and a perfect state of alertness? I have. I am here right now. It feels like, my poor brain is working in total overtime, yet trudging through mud. And I don’t know why. And it is bugging the crap out of me!
I have felt this way for a while now.
Ok then... moving on - this is why I have not written much recently. I sit down, and my head goes "write... write... ok, going good... OHHHH! Sparkles!" See... just now, I realized, I can see the reflection of the cars passing the window outside (I am at Starbucks) in the curvy top of my cup... Things like this normally would NOT distract me! And well... you get the idea.
Today the sky is full of thick, puffy, mostly dark gray clouds. The warmth in the air from yesterday has retreated... waiting for another moment to remind us that Spring is, indeed, fast approaching. Another day has passed on the calendar... the seasons changing... the tides rolling on... everything just continues, as it should.
I think back to where I was at this point in my life - a mere year ago... and it could easily be confused with a lifetime ago. And I look forward - to how everything will be so different in just a year from now... and I wonder about everything that may happen to bring myself and my children to that new point in time... and all of the limitless possibilities we have in front of us now. Only time will tell...
I have spent months building this intense, quick witted exterior - and it is not just some face I wear when he comes to visit... it IS me. It is pieces of me I had so naively buried years ago... that have found their way back to me once again. I have welcomed them back, with open arms. There are moments though when, I find myself realizing what I had allowed myself to become... in some ways, so gullible... and that just helps to put it all into perspective for me.
Today, Andrew seemed very - subdued - overly nice, and accommodating... and I have to admit, it threw me a little off balance. In the sense of: I just don’t know how to react to it. I find myself questioning his sincerity - then feeling badly for questioning it... then craving the ability to knock MYSELF in the head, because I know I SHOULD question it, always. Is he "for real?" Or is he simply expecting something... some ulterior motive... etc. He says he has been sad, and lonely... (he made sure to specify it is simply regarding the children...) and - he wants to "borrow" the photo albums... to look at the pictures. It just confuses me.
There is this part of me that wants to help him feel better... that wants to be as accommodating as possible... and there is this part of me that screams out in silence, he should feel this. Feel it deep, through his soul - if he is truly feeling it, and not just after sympathy from someone with it. (and I do *think* it is legit, or perhaps it is my desire to always see the best in people, that hopes it is legit...) And then... I think, he deserves every pang of emptiness he feels right now. He did this to himself. It is not my problem, or responsibility to "cheer him up" today, because she isn’t keeping his bed warm enough at night to fill the empty hole he created in himself. (Ohhh... see? My wit has not quelled itself entirely for the day after all!)
But in all sincerity - I feel terrible. Seeing him so unhappy is horrible... BUT - is it going to change my momentum - onward and away from him, and the hurt he caused me? No.
Meanwhile - I fear sending that album home with him - that he would go through it and remove pictures without US dividing them properly. It feels ridiculous to be so materialistic about it - but they are pictures. And my memory - as we all know by this point, is seriously defective... and seems to be only getting worse!
I wonder if this is something he is going to try and escalate as our move date nears... a move he suggested. He pushed on me - to the point where I was in a corner and accepted it. And now, it is done. This is the option for the children and I. I will gladly tell him to move too - get himself a place in Texas, so he can see the children just as often - but I have realized just how much I need this move - I can provide 1000 times better for my children there. And, it was his idea.
I lost who I was over the past 10 years - now in the last 2 years I began to reclaim ME, without even realizing it - but now I am consciously doing it too... more and more - and it feels good.
Being away from the stigma of this life that was supposed to always include him in it, here in NY - will only help in that.
I hope this doesn’t come across to crass... I don’t like questioning if his hurt is sincere.. but at this point - I just feel like it would be naive of me not too. And no matter how remorseful he gets - it doesn’t change anything. He had years worth of chances... (and no, I don’t want to insinuate ANYTHING with this entry... I am only pointing out his behavior... and the ways it COULD be interpreted.)
**I have another entry, swimming around in my head, I HOPE I will have time to write it today!!!**
Posted Date: : Apr 7, 2008 10:41 AM