(This got intense, I got a bit angry as I went, but, I really needed to get it out, so - here it is.)
I want to write. I need to write. I have crap in my head I need to get out. But, is it going to make any difference? At all? Does any of it matter?
Anyway... last night - my husband and I had one of "those" conversations. I hate "those" conversations. Especially right as we are trying to go to sleep. It is like begging for insomnia. It started innocently enough... my husband says - after he is turned over, and ready for sleep "I am sorry I don't say 'I love you enough'..." and if he had left it at that - well... that would have almost been alright. But of course, he added "but...."
Why do people do that? It is less thoughtful, more selfish, and a lot more asinine than if he had just kept his mouth shut and not mentioned anything at all. Giving an apology - then adding "but" to the end of it - is equivalent to saying "but I am really not sorry, I don't feel I should apologize, and I feel vindicated in my actions because.... - add in whatever stupid reason followed the original word 'but' here..."
His particular, selfish, lame excuse? "You remember when we first got together, you used to say you love me to me like 200 times a day? Well, saying it back got robotic [basically meant nothing] and I have sort of a post traumatic stress thing with it.."
What? I am sorry... what??? Am I alone in thinking that is just a plain MEAN, and NASTY thing to say to your wife you ALLEGEDLY love? So, because 9, nearly 10 years ago, I often felt so compelled to tell him I love him (200 times a day, whatever) I now get to spend what, the rest of my life punished and feeling only half, hell - a quarter of the love I should from the man who is supposed to cherish me forever?
I am fed the fuck up.
I am sick of the excuses. I am sick of finding late night text messages from all his infidelities or attempts at it. I am sick and tired of wondering if he actually cares about me. Right now? I have now, because of him and that stupid talk last night - managed to start my year, feeling very much not cared for by my husband. He says he takes care of me because he earns the living. Riigghhttt. I am so sick of struggling financially.
I have spent years of my life loving him. And for what? To be treated like this? Like someone he wishes would leave him? If I left him - if I told him I just can't take this shit anymore - IT IS NOT RIGHT that I feel like he would just say "whatever." It is supposed to feel like he would be DEVASTATED. But no - I feel like he would not give a shit. (Would you? - Prove it.)
I am so sad. I am so lonely. Doesn't he want to fix that?
But then I hear how he is "in the worst place he has ever been" and such. You know what? That line doesn't work anymore. I am so sick of the "my life sucks, I will never be anything, I need to be saved by some exterior force, poor me" shit. I really am. It sounds harsh - but something has to shock him into giving a shit about what he has STARING HIM RIGHT IN HIS ALL TO OFTEN SELFISH FACE. Yes, selfish. But, he works for US he says. Right. He has not been mentally engaged with us 90% of the time recently. If I took my children and left - he would just keep on going (is how I have been feeling) - he would go back to his life with Amanda - and be a new false "happy" until he found a new reason to self destruct.
It started when I was pregnant with Jillian. The moment I must have become harder to leave in his eyes or something. He started his deep, intense affair with Heather. The woman he worked with. He told her he was leaving me, he told her horrible things about me. All while I was excitedly buying my first house with him, and carrying my first child. 5 months into my pregnancy the illusion broke - and I realized what he had been doing. My heart split. It took so very long for me to trust him again. And then, there was Sandy. His internet fling. She was an emotional affair he kept going for a little while. Then, I was pregnant with Aidan... and I thought maybe he was truly a family man. A month after Aidan was born, he went on a "business trip" to California. A month. And when he got home - he was fired from his well paying mortgage job in part because - he had not attended most of the conference as he was supposed to be. He was screwing Shasta instead - a relationship he had been forming for a while before he left for the trip... she was, after all - the real reason he went.
And I felt betrayed, by him, and by myself.
And now... I can't remember who came next. All I know is - I am clearly stupid, right? He keeps asking for another chance... sort of. So, I keep giving it to him. Then there was this summer. And Megan. And he nearly did abandon myself and his children. And guess what I just found this past week? Late night text messages with a new girl. He supposedly went to his company Christmas party last week... but I also found an email from him to her asking her out for a "cocktail" for that same night. He SAID he was going to send me pictures from the party - he never did. So... I am left to wonder. And with his track record - where do you think I am leaning? He insists nothing happened. She was some friend from his past that found him out of the blue. Whatever. I know where it was leading at the very least - it is what he does. Nonstop communication with his newest conquest. I have seen it enough to know the pattern.
And last night his telling me how miserable he is - how everything wrong is all his fault.. woe is me.... You know what - when he should pull CLOSER to me - he always pulls away. He always goes to find some new female to whine too. I just want him to GROW UP and see what is RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE.
And I have noticed something about the multiple women he chooses to screw around on me with. Aside from the fact that they have no moral code and could care less that he is married with children........... they are all just like him. Miserable. Poor me people. Ohh.. my life is so hard - come rescue me... boohoo. And he forces himself deeper and deeper into his shit. If he would pay attention to me - live the life he preached BRIEFLY early last year - or whenever the hell he got so involved in "The Secret" was... he would do so much better... but he somehow is enjoying complaining... or something twisted like that.
I am SO SO SO SO SO sick of being on the outside. I am SO SICK of paying the price for his carelessness.
I am so sick of feeling disposable. I am sick of bullshit excuses for not telling me - the one person he is SUPPOSED to love aside from his children, that he loves me.
So... he will read this, and then what? My hope, is he will vow to me he will change. SHOW me he cares. SHOW me he would be upset if I left him. Tell me he loves me. Because I am not going to live feeling like I am second, third, or fourth. Or like I don't even make his top ten to whatever his female flavor of the month is... or his self destructiveness... or his desire to wade in misery....
All I expect from him, is love. That is not too much to ask, at all. Yet last night - he had the audacity to make me feel like it is MY fault I never hear those words from his mouth. How twisted is that.
I don't want him to read this, and get more depressed. I want him to open UP to me. I want him to see what is right in front of him. I want him to LOVE ME, and LOVE his family. Not because he is "supposed too" - but because he DOES. I want him to be REAL. To be a happy, loving father and husband. Or, I at least need to know he WANTS to be that - so we can work together to make it HAPPEN.
Why am I finding myself here? This is not how it was supposed to be. He was simply supposed to love me - if he loved me, he would confide in me, if he confided in me, I would trust him, if I trusted him, I would know that - no matter what life continues to throw at us - we can make it through it... I know I am worth it.
Posted Date: : Jan 1, 2008 1:16 PM