The sound of the rain... pounding into the wet Earth... bouncing off of the pavement... it is so soothing to hear.... It is amazing - the odd looks I get from people - as I slowly walk from my car, into the store, without the help of an umbrella... in the rain - not pouring, but certainly more than a sprinkle... I want to ask them - Haven't they ever wanted to be, simply, fully present in every moment of life? Sometimes... it is as easy as just feeling the rain. I tend to walk slower in it even... but then, maybe that is just, me.
The desire to be soothed... it is one I have held as long as I can currently remember... life has felt so harsh, for so long. All of it's edges sharp... unforgiving - and I was very good at pretending everything was ok... so much so that - I forgot that I was even pretending at all... and, I am not one to walk around saying "look at me, I am so vulnerable... I need protecting.. I need.. [insert weakness here]..." No - that was never me... at all. I wore my mask - and I wore it very well. I learned how to perfect it - and be strong for everyone around me, from a very young age. Back then - it was on purpose... it was a choice... but I was still hurting, and devastated on the inside - and I knew it. (I am speaking here, in terms of the past, of my father's illness.) But now - somewhere... somewhere over the last 10 years - more accurately over the last 6 years - I pulled that mask over my face once more... but this time, it was not on purpose. This happened when I was not even looking... and I lived life - untrue to myself - and my wants... so it only made sense that, as I accelerated being ME - more and more intensely over the past 2 years or so that - that facade would crumble. And just like the sneaky way it wrapped itself around me, so many years ago - I didn't even see it fall. Until one day... I stumbled over it's shattered pieces... Though this time, instead of frantically pulling it back together again, as I have all too often over the years... I opened the door - and threw it to the curb. Those pieces.. that horrible illusion I allowed myself to feel was my needed companion.... It is not who I am any longer. And everything looks so clear now.
For years the one thing I have wanted... craved, desired... to be soothed - has been the one thing that eluded me. And so now - true to the form of life's lessons... now that I have learned to soothe myself - to be what, and even, all I need... not only do I have my own strength at a level that amazes me... I also have stronger friendships with old friends than I ever had before... and more. I have opened myself up to new friendships... new relationships even... and I have been so closed off for so long... it feels so different to me... and I still have that fear.. laying in the shadows of my mind - of falling totally flat on my face. I admit it - it is there... but like I said just the other day.... it's time to let go of the rails.... jump..... and trust - that I can fly...
"When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown you must believe one of two things will happen: There will be something solid for you to stand upon, or, you will be taught to fly. ~ Faith" (I am unsure of the original author of that quote.)
Posted Date: : Apr 29, 2008 12:00 PM