This I wrote last Sunday - February 3rd. I have just now taken the time to write it. Another entry will hopefully follow right behind it, that I wrote earlier today.
A chronicle of a disturbing week...
I don't know when it started building... when I started to lose myself - but there are two things I am not - that if left unchecked will destroy me... and that is, filled with hate, and anger.
There are a number of things that led to it... realizations about him, the things he is doing... and Valentine's Day's rapid approach did not help much... my fear of failure, my uncertainty about a career... so many things... the anger became an entity all it's own, fueled by a demon of hatred.... it was vile, rabid, and unrelenting...
An intensity of those emotions I have never felt before... it threatened to destroy me... really. By Friday morning, I was in the deepest, darkest place I have ever been in - in my entire life. (Not this past Friday, the one before - remember, this was written a week ago.) I can not reiterate the darkness of the place I was in enough... truly.
But something else was happening... my body knew it was destroying itself... and a true purge was on the horizon.
Thursday night the migraine started... by Friday morning, lifting my head off the pillow felt akin to thrusting a doubled edged sword through my skull... And I cried. I cried for everything. For the place I found myself in... for everything I was longing for... I cried. I wondered what to do. I took a shower, as my head felt like it was going to crack open... and I cried some more. I didn't even have one single reason for my tears... I just could not stop them from coming.
I forced myself through my morning routine.... stepping outside for the first time, as the first droplets of rain began to fall. As the day wore on, the storms intensity grew... as did my migraine. I saw a friend Friday afternoon I see all of the time - and even he could see I was just not myself that day. I got home as the rain poured down... purging me from the outside... as if the sky had begun to cry for me... because I had run out of tears. I put my babies in bed.... and I felt my stomach grumble at me... my head still continuously being slammed into by a cinder block, I pulled myself up the stairs to go to bed - and suddenly found myself in my bathroom, violently ill. That hatred.... that anger... the loathing, the demons... all of it - my body was forcefully throwing it out of me. Forcefully.
When I awoke Saturday - I felt like I had been completely pulled apart... and pieced back together again. Still sad, still deeply hurting, and yes, still a bit angry - but stronger. That strength grew through the day - and last night. Right now? (Remember, written a week ago.) I feel it. I feel like I have been pulled out of this horrible torment filled pit... but, I am still standing right on the edge of it. I need something to give me some forward momentum. Because all that uncertainty, it is still there.
Now, truly, right now... well - I have had a ruff day. I feel like I took a step down on that ladder... back into that pit. But tomorrow, I hope to get up on top of it again. I am just hurting so much.
Posted Date: : Feb 10, 2008 10:44 PM