I wrote this in my notebook last night, at about 1:00 am. (The wind has calmed since then... I just thought that was important to add.)
The winds are howling outside... a very cold January wind is traveling through the bare branches of the trees. I love listening to it. The intensity of it... the raw instinct in it's every motion. It is soothing to me.
I learned a lot about myself this weekend. At every new direction of this Medicine Wheel I have been working, I have learned so much - but this... this time I was truly masking nothing from myself. It was as raw as that wind - that wind that is roaring against my window in the dark night sky.
Yet still - in all of that work - I knew some things remained hidden in my shadows. Like this "a-ha" moment I just had... Pull up a chair, sit with me a second - allow me to let that wind nudge open a door into the depths of my soul...
I see it clearly now. Chaos has been my friend. All through my life. It has been a wonderful, ever present companion. I needed it. It was like that friend, you know the one.. you "diet" with - who a day later hands you a chocolate bar, because you "deserve" it (like an extra hole in the head) - Chaos was always there for me - with just the thing I didn't need.
I am not just talking about my 9 1/2 year long failed marriage. No - needing that chaos to complete me - that is one of those deeply held beliefs that runs far back into my childhood. I think I can see the moment it began, but I am holding open the possibility that it goes back even further than that as well... maybe it has even been my companion for many lifetimes....
Growing up there was always something... something to run from... something to fret over... money, moving, my father's illness, my mother's nutty streak - and I let that grip me, so very tightly - I had no choice in choosing a path that would bring me anything less than that level of chaos. My good friend, it held me tightly by the hand, and led me right into my future. It is not my fault. It is not my husband's fault. It just happened. My life of running in circles... from constantly moving, to my husband's repetitive job loss, to life altering car accidents, from tragedy to bliss, then back to heartbreak... my old friend Chaos was right there by my side.
I want to thank that Chaos. I am who I am today because of it... and that is not something I want to change. Not a millisecond of it. However, my deeply held affinity for Chaos - that is something I am quite ready to release.
I am who I choose to be... not what the "stories" of my life proclaim that I have to be. After all - they are just stories. Memories from a time long past. I? I am the one sitting right here - loving that wind.
I do not fear my future. I embrace it. Whatever it may hold. I know my children and I are always going to be together, safe and secure.
I welcome our future.
**A side note, I decided to pull a Tarot card just now... and of course, I pulled The Fool. (Those who don't know, that is not an insult.) It is a time of choices and new beginnings.... How very true.
Posted Date: : Jan 21, 2008 9:46 AM