Thursday, September 13, 2012

Living on the edge of reason....

I don't even know where to start... okay - first off... my biopsy on the second spot came back fine! I am so relieved! So, on Monday the surgery will only be on the one single spot.

Next... today was one hell of a day. It started last night actually... between having to give Jillian regular milk for bed... and Amanda's resurgence of "I hate it here, I am so miserable, I have no friends..." nonsense... I guess I should have seen it coming! (She is lying by the way, we have plenty of proof she HAS made friends.)

Anyway - Jillian seemed fine this morning... you see, when we first got her "diagnosis" we tried experimenting with her diet and what not, and one thing we found does make a HUGE difference, is making very sure she gets no cows milk... (or soy milk, OR rice milk.) The one thing that seems to have no negative impact on her, is goat milk - and this allows her to still get her nightly and every morning warm milk... well - every so often it gets easy to forget just what a difference the change has made. We have been doing it for so long now that, I start to wonder if the difference is solely in my mind or something...

So, yesterday I was exhausted... and busy, and a bit stressed out... and I had every excuse in the book to NOT stop at the store. By last night I realized, we had NO goat milk. So, Jillian got regular milk. And she got it this morning. This afternoon, she gets off the bus - wired. Now, this happens sometimes ANYWAY, and as we did our usual Wednesday afternoon routine, it became apparent, something was WAY off. We were headed to get Aidan - and as I was driving, she suddenly DEMANDED she needed her coat off. I let her take it off, and one thing led to another, and I honestly don't even REMEMBER what triggered it - but she just started screaming "talk to me" - but I was... I would ask her, "what do you want to talk about?" and she would reply with a scream "talk to me" - I am DRIVING while this is occurring. She is screaming, kicking the back of the chair, reaching forward and hitting me, just freaking out in general. I can. not. calm. her. down.

And then, my angel tapped me on my shoulder - so to speak anyway. I turn down a road to get to my little guys school... and this is a road that opens up - and is lined by nothing but forest... but the trick is, the speed limit is 35 - it is a speed trap. There is a spot where, a few times now I have seen a cop sit. But when I am in a hurry, and I was - with Jillian SCREAMING in my ear, and distracted, it is VERY easy to go 55 down this road. Well - there was a ssllooooowwwww person in front of me. And I was ALL frustrated.. between everything roaming around in my head, and Jillian's ongoing panic attack, and now being slowed down... my blood was boiling - this person was FORCING me to go the speed limit. And, we rounded a bend - and there was the cop. And it was like my eyes just opened RIGHT ON UP. When Jillian is like that, I can't allow my reactions to be the same as they would be on a less "autistic day" - because she simply will not GET it. I thanked the car in front of me, and the angel on my shoulder, for keeping me ticket free... and I had a renewed ability to deal with my baby girls continuous meltdown through getting Aidan AND getting back home.

At the same time, I was rolling everything with my step-daughter over and over in my head. You see, last night she once again announced she is miserable here - and apparently her bubble had busted pretty hard when between her mother and us we squashed her sneaky plans of leaving to go back to her old school, and trouble making friend (singular) as soon as the next quarter. And she just became impossible. She was saying anything and everything to try to hurt us. It was truly sad. And what I don't understand is.. at 14 - I was a B.A.D. kid. Seriously. I drank, I smoked pot, I was doing anything and everything.... and yet - I was STILL MUCH, MUCH more respectful to adults than she is when she is in a "good" mood.

And, some of the things my mother has been saying to me, finally made some sense. (Yeah, freaky right!?!) She is always talking about the horrible influences of MTV and such, and normally I totally tune her out when she gets going, but I realized today - what a point she has. When *I* was growing up, MTV was starting to suck - yet for the most part it was still basically about the music videos. But now... now you have these ridiculous shows... that these children watch and emulate.. "My Super Sweet 16" - where these spoiled obnoxious brats run in rude circles around their parents and call them every name in the book if - heaven forbid they pick out the wrong table cloth for their party... and THAT is it. THAT is how she is acting... like she is 14, going on 8. "Because if I get nasty enough, and stomp my foot hard enough, and act like a brat enough, I will get my way!" Right!? Because, that is how it works... out here in the REAL world.

It is like the children these days - because it is NOT just my step-daughter.. it is all her little friends and such - it is like, they have absolutely NO values. When I was 14, I was terrible.... but I still gave a shit. If my step-parent had said he/she had skin cancer, I would have been concerned. If my little sister had spent HOURS crying in the afternoon because she was autistic, I would have helped... (note* this is hypothetical, I have no little sister, nor step-parents, but I WOULD have done these things.) I remember when the movie "An Inconvenient Truth" came out to the theaters... I took Amanda to see it - and she BITCHED the entire way through it. When I was her age - that would have been EARTH SHATTERING.

Her priorities? If her shirt isn't branded with Ambercrombie or Hollister - it isn't "worthy" of her wearing it. What the fuck!? (Sorry... but GEEZE.)

I am relieved, it seems her mother stuck to her guns - told her to "man it up" and stop the whining and live with the choices she has made. But now she is still back there, crying on the phone to her bad influence friend. What the hell am I going to do? I am not the passive, sit down and allow her to run MY household and crap person my husband seems to be expecting me to be.

I have to find a middle ground somehow... and keep my sanity at the same time..

I hope this wasn't a TOTAL ramble. And - I am feeling okay - I had an angel on my shoulder after all... I got no ticket - and my biopsy came back clear.

One step at a time................ Have a wonderful night everyone. Pray for my sanity..............................

Posted Date: : Nov 28, 2007 9:53 PM

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