Thursday, September 13, 2012

Can’t I just...

Last week it felt like winter was done for the season. Today, as I sit here (written earlier this afternoon) the clouds are pushing in, closer and thicker, a frigid wind forging them forward, sending the small animals scurrying back to the warmth of their holes.

I want to take a vacation to the Maldives. Shallow, crystal blue water surrounding my cozy, luxurious, thatched roof cottage, on a pier over that glorious water... would just be wonderful for a week - or even more. I could open my windows at night and sleep to the gentle motion of the waves. Someday I will vacation there - when the kids are old enough to enjoy it with me.

For now, my company is kept by that icy wind... taking all the stray leaves and branches out my window for a rather intense ride. It will get more intense as the night wares on... 50 MPH later on they say... (and they were right, I may have written this earlier, but I am typing it now, and the wind is howling!) Maybe it will knock all of the dead branches off of my trees - they need to be cleared out before Spring anyway...

I am so deeply craving money. And time. I want to get in my car and drive - just take a week and explore. Go upstate NY, Connecticut, Rhode Island, New Hampshire - ANYWHERE semi-close that I could call home. I know Houston (TX) is there.... ready to take us into it... but I want to know I am doing what is best for my children, and for myself. But I can't do that - I have no money. I have no gas in my car - and when that will change... I just don't know. I have things for the house I have to buy this week... How? So I certainly can't go on a road trip right now. Even though Jillian's impending week off of school would be perfect...

I have been so set on keeping the kids close to Andrew... and then we have moments like this weekend where - I just get so disenchanted... and I wonder - maybe further away would just spare everyone (me) a lot of stress, and heartbreak anyway?

Today he slept most of the day... (in his defense, he was not feeling well) but Amanda slept most of the day as well... and - aren't they here to VISIT the kids!? Last night I got my feelings hurt a few times... he always has a complaint for me - he can never just give me a compliment... I feel so belittled around him so often... my stomach starts to hurt. And he just does. not. care. about me. He does not care if he hurts me... it is ALL about him - his moving forward... HIS life... HIS anything and everything.... while I fall to the wayside, heartbroken.

Yesterday I sat here wanting to write - and it turned into a list of things to do - that I need to do - I got home all ready to go take it all on... and it just did not happen. And it is all stuff I really need to do.

The cold air has arrived... along with a snow squall... tiny snowflakes, falling so heavily I can barely see across the busy street... (I did not write this at home this afternoon...) They would sting if I was standing outside in it.... the wind is blowing so hard... they are going faster than the cars - and as quick as the snow started, for now - it has ended.

I am having trouble talking to Andrew. I really feel thrown into all of this on my own. He is so eager to move on... changing his myspace thing to "divorced" - I guess I will do the same... (I did. It doesn't have a thing that says "separated") - He doesn't care at all about my feelings. I knew he was going out Friday night - I sent him a text message saying to "have fun" - he didn't reply... he didn't care. If it wasn't for our children, he probably wouldn't flinch if I fell off of the face of the Earth and never spoke a word to him again. He has his freedom - his bachelorhood - and his new girlfriend... (well, not so new - the one he screwed around with over the summer is back... and it just drives the knife deeper into my heart...) And there I am - HERE I am... living my responsibilities... wishing he would care enough to hope I had fun too... I am so very hurt by his being so close already with the (moral-less piece of trash) little girl he screwed around on me with over the summer. He just doesn't care. So - why am I even worried about keeping the kids so close to him? I feel like he would be less burdened from his new "life" if we were just gone.... and I just can't help but cry for that... he SAYS we are priority... but he did not even miss a beat in moving on and getting a new life......

I am just so damn sad. And angry. And very hurt. And he just expects me to look him in the face, and keep going... doesn't he see how he hurt me? I have spent years loving him so much... giving him EVERYTHING I had to give - and he throws it away without a second thought.... because everything I had to give - wasn't enough for him. I feel crushed.

For the first time in my life I feel like I have ADD. (I don't.) I have this "list of shit to do" - 20 or so things - but everything is "number 1" - so nothing is getting done.

Excuse me while I go scream into my pillow.

Posted Date: : Feb 10, 2008 11:34 PM

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