I am sitting here, just staring at this stupid blank screen. Just staring at it. I feel stuck, and alone. So very alone. It is a bit frightening - and very uncertain. I thrive when I have control... and everything feels so out of my control right now. I feel so alone.
Why do we cry? I don't see what logical purpose it holds. It is not a defense mechanism... and my eyes don't need the extra water right now... it is merely annoying - and makes the screen harder to see. And then of course there will be that moment where - the water level will build high enough it will spill over, and run down my cheek. That, of course - will be the moment my Mother will come up the stairs to use the restroom or something... and make it obvious she sees I am upset. Call me cynical - but right now, I do not ever want her to see me upset again, ever.
While I am on that subject and before I continue, I want to interject a very important point. This entry, as 90% of the entries I have done recently, is set so, a very specific, very small group of my nearest and dearest can read it. Only 2 recent entries have been viewable to the public - the one I did about Chaos, and the one that followed it. Even still - my mother this afternoon decided to "tell" me to not write about her in my blog anymore. Now, it is very possible she read that one line in the Chaos entry and took it from that - but, if any of you are asked by her, about anything I have written - remember... it is not viewable to her for a reason. And the same goes for Andrew. He asked to be removed from my preferred readers list - and I obliged. Now curiosity killed the cat... and I know he just can't handle not knowing what I have written, and if it is about him. But he asked to be removed. (If he wanted back on, I would let him, but he has to ask for that, too.) So - if I have a "bad" day, and write about it - it is none of his business that I am hurting. Thank you for letting me clarify that.
I feel very overwhelmed. My little man's Tutor Time preschool expects their balance ($553) on Monday - or, she said they will "de-enroll" him. I feel trapped. Andrew is pestering me to find a job... which I will do - except, I certainly can't do that if I have no where to put my little guy while I am at work. Jilly will be in school.. but what about my sweet Aidan? Just talking about it like that - needing somewhere to "put" him, just makes me want to go into his room, scoop him up and hug him. But if he can't go there - what the hell am I going to do? As it is, I am having minimal luck finding something that will get me home for Jillian's bus. And now, I know I don't have my mother to count on. I never really did. The only person I can count on is me. And I feel like I have been thrown to the wolves. Today, my mother announced to me that we just don't get along - and in February she will leave. (It was more involved than that, but I am not going into all of that now.) And she made this statement to me - and she hasn't even seen the email I wrote her on Thursday yet. That email is a story all on it's own. But to make a very long story short - on Wednesday, well... I was just having a terrible day. If anything could go wrong, well, it did. And in the middle of it all, I get this text message from HER that she MEANT to send to some friend of hers, ABOUT me... it said "she has to hit the bottom really hard to wipe that superior smirk off her face." Or something to that extent. It felt like such a punch in the gut. So... I took a day to gather my thoughts... and sent her a long email. Basically telling her - I have known she felt that way, but seeing it in front of my face on a day like that, was too much. I reminded her of how she has basically lived OFF us for nearly 3 years... and said when we have to move, I will be sure to look for a place that does not have enough room for her... because, that seemed to be what she wanted.
I keep having these moments where - I feel like I can conquer the world. Like everything is going to be fine. And then I have moments like now.... I don't know how I am going to do this. I feel so very alone. I am petrified. I just want someone to help me but I don't even know what I need the most help with. Childcare? A job that I can make a hell of a lot of money at that only requires me to work a few hours a day? I just feel so very trapped. I know many other single mother's have done it. I KNOW they have. But... HOW?!
I guess I am just having a moment. I have another blog to write that won't be all happiness and light... but I will do it another day. Tonight, I just wish I was not so alone.... and so very sad. But this too shall pass.... right?
Posted Date: : Jan 26, 2008 10:46 PM