(This entry is hilarious. I wrote the top part this morning. The middle part right now... and the bottom part yesterday! Try to keep up, without letting your head spin!)
Just stop looking back...
The past is but a memory - unchangeable in it's everlasting presence. Why then, devote so very much energy to it?
The future is a story yet to be told. It will happen - whether you spend today worrying all about it or not. So - why focus so much on that... replaying worry filled scenarios in your mind that may not, and in fact, really will not happen? That, as well is no way to spend your energy.
Here and now. Look inward. What do I want? What do I want to be known for? I have been handed a favor. A chance to look inside myself, and really figure it all out.
I feel so passionately about my life - about everything I want to know... I am enrolled to learn Astrology for the year... The Medicine Wheel I have been doing for the past 2 years comes to it's conclusion this weekend... and I hope to do it one more time - and then there is the other side of me. Autism advocate. I want to find a job in one of those things somehow. Or all of them. I just need to figure out how. And of course, in the meanwhile, I'll do anything to make ends meet - but I want to know I am working towards it. And first, before anything... I need to get my footing. Securely.
Earlier today, I was told "you have your hands full..." and my response to that was - "it's alright, I always have my hands full... the only thing that varies is what they are full with..." - and as I heard the words come out of my mouth I thought - that sounded so "Zen." Wow. I rock!
Just stop looking backwards. Don't worry about the future. Just focus inward.
Yesterday morning I met with a dear friend, teacher, and healer. (She is my Medicine Wheel teacher, I saw her again tonight, and am spending all weekend with her.) But yesterday we met, just to talk about me. Sure enough - she was able to pull me outside of myself - so I can look at things in a renewed way - and very true to her form, she also knocked me over the head a time or two. I am feeling better... a but more confident - and I really needed that.
Things and fears I haven't even written about here, at all surfaced - and I realized how I have been sabotaging my future, by living in my past.
I have also spent too much of myself looking too far ahead. It is time I stopped, and looked inside.
Not back there. Not out there. Right in here.
Posted Date: : Jan 18, 2008 11:40 PM