I don't even know what to write. I just want to write. I have had some serious ups and downs this week... well... actually, downs. I don't know about the "ups." I just feel totally discombobulated, and a bit lost. I just want to snap my fingers and know everything is alright. My husband keeps telling me everything is alright... but it sounds a bit hollow. How? Tell me HOW we are going to pay the bills, and I will understand how you can tell me everything is going to be alright...
It is not the fact that I have "skin cancer" that has me freaked. It really isn't. I mean - sure - I have had my moments of "oh crap, I have skin cancer" - but for the most part, it is not a big deal. We remove it, and watch my other big dark freckles very closely. (Though, THAT has been freaking me out... I keep searching my body, wondering if THAT one is a problem, or, humm... the edge on that dark one is jagged... is IT a problem?) What is freaking me out - is the money. I feel GUILTY. My baby boy has a birthday, one week from tomorrow. And then there is Christmas. And suddenly - I have medical bills. It just isn't fair to my family. To remove the cancer the cost will range from $750 - $1500. That is NOT including additional biopsies to make sure they "got it all" and what not. But thankfully, I DID work out a payment plan for THAT money. That appointment is on December 3rd. However, on Monday I have an appointment with my dermatologist (not the surgery center removing the cancer) to go over everything with me... and more closely check a few more spots on my body. This means PROBABLY more biopsies. More money. No payment plan there. SO... I just hate that. But I HAVE NO CHOICE. I HAVE to do it. I will not let this turn into some sort of body invading nonsense that kills me - simply because I did not take care of it right away because I had no insurance.
And in the back of my mind... remains my eye problems. THAT doctor had referred me to a specialist. A specialist I now certainly can't afford with all the other crap going on. But just because I can't afford it, doesn't mean I can magically see at night. No... my problems are there and as bad as ever. And just because my step-daughter is living with us now - doesn't mean I get out of late evening (in the dark) drives either. The only difference? The roles are reversed. Today I am dropping her off... Sunday I will pick her up. Yesterday, I went for a walk. And my eyes were not focusing right. There is an issue here... I NEED to address. But when? When will we climb out of this pit so I can afford this, without causing more of a burden to my family!?
Speaking of my walk yesterday... I went in hopes of clearing my head a bit. I went to that lovely park that I love, and took a walk through the woods - in the rain, with my umbrella. The leaves were bright yellow... and as long as I was not having eye troubles... I was mostly relaxed. The smell of the rain mixed with the freshly fallen leaves was so nice, and calming. I had hoped to take that feeling with me when I left, and leave my baggage there. It didn't work that way this time. My mind is just too cluttered.
I feel like if I didn't have the money worries... nothing else would be bothering me so much. The medical issues and such. But, we do have the money worries. Even if I DID NOT have the doctors expenses... we would be floundering to figure out how to pay the bills this month. I just don't know what to do.
And I feel a bit lonely. A lot lonely. I just need to figure this out... and I am not sure what to do. And I don't want to get everyone ELSE down... (my husband is working his ASS off at work, and making as much money as he can... so I feel even WORSE stressing him out about it...)
Okay, I will try to write more later...
Posted Date: : Nov 16, 2007 9:55 AM