Good grief... where do I begin. Do I start with the things that, over the past few days have given me a case of the "warm and fuzzies" - or do I begin with here... right now. Here, and right now - is what's causing my hand to shake as I type... my ears to be on heightened alert, afraid at any second I will again hear cries from the children's bedroom... so - though I don't want the "bad" to overshadow the good... it is where I will begin.
When you have a child, the one thing on Earth you want - is to cease their suffering. It will keep you awake at night... bring you to the ends of the world and back... and when you can't take away their pain... and just make it all better... it is a torment like no other.
The past two visits with his father, my little guy has had a terrible time saying good bye. He has bought's of anger mixed with bought's of sorrow... he pleads... "Daddy just stay, Daddy please stay, Daddy sleep here... Daddy I miss you... Daddy I love you... Daddy don't go, Daddy you can't go... Daddy stay... Daddy please hug me again... Daddy I miss you.... Daddy just, please stay..."
And my heart breaks for him... and the silenced, deeply intense rage of a mother who wants nothing more than to take her son's pain away threatens to burst out of the bowels I am holding it so tightly in... and I want to viciously rip him apart with my bare hands... (my soon to be ex husband, for causing this) Or better yet, I want to destroy him with my words... Set on fire his tangled web of broken promises that brought us from that place - 10 years ago of a future of vacations, laughter, holidays, white picket fences and giggling giddy children.... to this - bitter, harsh reality... where my son cries out in the night - arms outstretched for a father who isn't there. Who leaves during his stream of tears because - he "can't take it" - when I simply can't do that... I am the one here to live my responsibilities... aside from that - The thought of leaving my child in so much pain... is not even a thought I could consider... let alone act on. Yet... he did.
(Tuesday that was more the scenario, tonight I was more pushing him out the door, in hopes it would quell the tears faster.... [I wanted to add that in his defense.])
An innocent four year old should not know the agony of crying himself to sleep... yet my son does. I watched him do it this evening. My hand gently rubbing his back - offering him any comfort I could. He doesn't understand. And it is like a spear digging into my soul...
I know it is a process. I know this is a phase. We will have good weeks and we will have bad ones... this one is impossible... yet - I can not allow it to be impossible. I am the one here for him... when he cries during the night and craves comfort with his arms outstretched... I am the one that is there - holding him tightly and making everything in his world okay again.... I just wish something could help his heartache.... something that worked faster than time - but time, is all I can give him.
I will write about all the good stuff... later on, or perhaps, tomorrow. For now - go check out the new pictures I added - some Easter ones to the 2008 album, and ones from today, to it's own little Beach album.
Posted Date: : Apr 10, 2008 8:28 PM