I feel lost in my head. Somewhere between the "should's" and the "could's" and the "I need too's" - And I don't know how to escape it. Somewhere in there lies my "wants" as well - they sit next to the answer... the best possible outcome and such - I just don't know where that is...
After speaking to my step-daughter Monday evening, I was sure she had the decency, respect, and understanding of the intense importance of changing her behavior towards us that she would get up and go to school on Tuesday.
I "got played." Duped. Made a fool of. Instead, we got more of the same shit - just on a different day. I was simply disappointed. And that was all I said to her about it all day. (About school.) I simply put a note on her door that read "I am so very disappointed in you." If love, anger or reason won't get through to her - my sincere disappointment is, I am afraid, all I have left to give.
Last night she spoke to her mother on the phone... she told us "Mommy is mad, she says I 'have to go to school tomorrow or I can't come back' - but I hate threats..." - She had the audacity to say it, just like that. So, was I surprised this morning when she, once more, refused to get up? No. Disappointed. Disappointed in her, and her lack of caring at all about what she is doing to us, very, very much so.
And then last night she got on a tirade about "her" phone again too. Stating she was upset and ANGRY my husband/her father had made some calls on it when the battery on his died. And he just lets her act like that. I know that, at THAT moment he did not want the argument... but there is no excuse for her thinking she runs the house like this... that she even has the RIGHT to be "angry" over something like that. My husband's phone is FALLING APART - so when he gets home tonight - the sim card is coming OUT of his phone... and going right into "hers." And if she "needs" a phone - her mother can get it for her. Especially after once more defying everyone and refusing to go to school today. She HAS to have some. sort. of. consequence.
My husband is still talking about moving too. Basically it is his plan for what increasingly seems like a true inability for us to stay afloat on what he is making. (And for me to go back to work, my son would have to go to daycare full time and not just do the preschool thing, my daughter would have to go part of the time, it would take away any income I could possibly bring in - in putting them in daycare... and I am needed around the house so much more than that for them...) And Amanda's lack of ability to act like she gives a crap about us is the continual catalyst - why have we been struggling like this - to be treated like that? And I will do whatever it takes to make my family the most secure.
I am just afraid of making a mistake. I love NY so very much - but if we can provide better for our family in TX - and Amanda continues to show how little she cares about anything to do with us - then, so be it. We can always visit, especially if we have a savings account, because we are making more money.
I guess that is where I stand on that right now. Hurry up - and wait. Let's see how many deals my husband can close this week, and next - see if the potential to surpass the income he was making at the other place is there... and then we will know if we truly NEED to leave. Meanwhile, I am having my own personal semi-silent freak out over all the bills that are trickling into the really past due category...
And - my stitches hurt. Today it is a bit swollen. And sore. And one pulled out a bit - but there are plenty more there so I am not too worried about that one. It is just bruised, and really sore...
Don't I just seem like a bundle of joy!? Honestly though - I am doing okay. Rolling with the punches, so to speak.
Posted Date: : Dec 5, 2007 1:08 PM