Thursday, September 13, 2012

What next...

As I was fearfully resolving myself to the thought of a move - my husband seems to have a renewed fire to stay. At least, a little bit. So - now I just feel so confused. He can't do it alone - and we are a team... I just don't know how to help. I feel clueless.

I feel like I have NO control over where my life is headed. That is a feeling that drives me insane. Truly nuts. I wish someone was out there that could give me the answers - but I know life doesn't work that way. I have all my answers..... I just need to remember them. And figure out how to access them.

On top of it all - my step-daughter is going back to her mothers today. Seeing my husbands hurt - the pain in his face last night - coupled with her blatant jubilance - just infuriated me. Someday I hope she realizes truly, just how terribly she has behaved. Her mother's mother (her Nani) is having some big "welcome home" dinner for her tonight. None of them care. It just disgusts me. And then there is my poor husband. Stuck in the middle. Not wanting to throw a "guilt trip" on her - but certainly not needing to be subjected to her blatant, childish, "yay yay yay yay yay yay I am going hoommeeee" (yes, that is an ACTUAL away message she had on her aim yesterday - FYI) Nonsense. It is all just bullshit.

She is happily announcing she will be doing "this" and "that" (no consequences for her horrible actions towards US will apparently be given by her mother, clearly - with all the promises she has given her for coming "home") So - she says - she "won't be able to see us until Christmas Eve itself..." Uhh, so - we are supposed to spend 4 hours of OUR Christmas Eve driving to get her, and then to take her back!? She won't even extend us the courtesy of coming A DAY earlier!? My children - my BABIES who still believe in the magic of Christmas and Christmas Eve will NOT have to spend that much time on THAT day, driving dangerous roads - for her. After the way she has behaved. And my children will NOT go that long, on THAT day - a day for FAMILY - without myself or their father, because one of us is playing taxi to little miss ungrateful. She better get her mother to do a huge part of that drive. But, she won't. Because, she doesn't care... and she just expects that what SHE says, goes. (And her mother, has given her NO reason to believe otherwise.)

I am SO angry with her. This is ALL wrong. I am LIVID with her mother - that she ALLOWED her to become this way - that she CREATED it. She must pay NO attention to what she actually does at her house - because Amanda's unbelievable rants about US invading HER privacy too much are just CRAZY. But clearly, she has been taught that - if you stomp your foot long enough, loud enough, and hard enough - you get your way. And that, that is ALL that matters to her. And she doesn't care who she treats like shit to make it happen.

And, as always - we pay the price. It stops now. RIGHT HERE. Now. I will NEVER allow my children to be put in the position where they can be hurt by her like this again. Thankfully they are young enough - most of it has gone unnoticed to them. But they will not remain innocent forever...

And my poor husband... he is just SO sad. As she was yammering on about moving back, excitement dripping from her selfish words, she said "this is so weird for me though..." and my husband said "it is weird for me too" - which baffled her. She said "because I am going back?" with a blank stare of confusion on her face.... he said "because you want too..."

Her reply? "No.. well...?" and that was it. Never mind how NASTY she was for it to get to this point... she just expects the world to be HAPPY for her? Yes, I am angry - my husband IS my family - I have a desire to protect him from anything that would cause him harm, just as I do for my children - and right now - SHE is causing him more harm than I could have ever imagined she would... and what is worse is - she DOES. NOT. CARE. AT ALL.

**I know my anger will not last forever - and the things I say in here - I mostly would never say to her... but understand, that is why I write it. I NEED to get it out. Otherwise is stays locked inside of me, and that is no good either.

And incase you were wondering - yes, my darn stitches are still hurting terribly.

Posted Date: : Dec 7, 2007 1:29 PM

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