I have SO much to write... I am just having trouble finding exactly where to start. I will just start - and hopefully it will all come out in order.
Last night, I laid in bed, trying to go to sleep. This is not unusual for me these days... falling asleep seems to become a task for me a few times each year. But last night... last night was very different.
An Owl came to me. And of course, I realized I was dreaming... but wait - how can I know I am dreaming? But I do, don't I? Well then - this is a very special moment... where are we going my feathered friend? "To show you how to remember your future..."
Who was I to argue with such a profound statement? We soared through the sky, through a blindingly bright light. Then - it was dark again. My feet were planted firmly on the ground, and I was in the middle of a forest. A large well built fire was burning in front of me, and on the other side of the fire, sat a woman. I circled around the fire, and found myself, standing in front of myself. She was older, wiser, and beamed with confidence. She told me she had been waiting for me. And she laughed at my amazement.
I took a seat on the log beside her, and tried to get a handle on the moment. The cabin behind me, the tall towering trees all around us - the owl waiting patiently in one of them. The large fire in front of us. I told her she is everything I want to be. And she told me there is no use for that word... "want," that she is inside me. I asked her to come back with me, to help guide me on my path, and she assured me she would. She told me we had always been with each other. I should have known that already - after all, time "turns like a wheel, it does not fly like an arrow..."
So, you have gotten what you came for? She asked... and I asked her if that was why she brought me here. She assured me it was ME who had come to her. She was there because I called her there. With all the reading I had been doing recently - I figured I better not try to argue that point. And I asked her if she would come back with me, and again, she said of course. Her gaze drifted up to the owl perched on the branch of the tree, and mine followed. Her wings opened up wide, and bright light enveloped me once again. It forced me to open my eyes.... and there I was, in my room, with the sun up, bright and big as you please. With moments to spare before my alarm was set to go off.
I didn't even have time to process any of this before my daughter came into the room - proclaiming how proud she was at sleeping in her bed all night.
I feel refreshed, and intensely confident. Recently I have been considering making some simple changes... there was a silver feather pendant I saw a while back, I wanted it very much. But, I like to wear only 1 necklace at a time, and I only wear my pentagram. And I have been craving a Mandala or Dreamcatcher in place of the fairy I have hanging from my rearview mirror. Why? I don't know... I just have. These seem like goofy, trivial material changes, I know. But they represent something bigger... something much bigger and intensely deeper changing inside me. I still identify myself as "Pagan" yes - but it is not about that anymore. I don't need somewhere to FIT in. I simply am, who I am. And I am - a Shaman.
Am I going to proclaim that to the masses? Well... not just yet. I want to finish the Medicine Wheel first. But there is a NUMBER of things that have come up - that I WILL do. There is no choice in the matter. My decision is made. I WILL take EVERY course The Four Winds has to offer. And I WILL become the healer I know I am. And I WILL become part of the growing bridge between "the old ways" and "the new." I will even write a book someday too.
This is all part of that "duality" I mentioned an entry or so back. At what point, do I just relax, and go with it. Be who I AM. Not who the neighbor expects me to be? Do I worry that some of you may read this entry and think "what the hell is she ON today, anyway?!" Or do I not care? I simply am who I am... and that is a powerful, strong person.
And I think, no - I know - I simply cannot hide that anymore.
My future found me in my dreams - I have seen her face, I have tracked the line to get to where she was. And I will not be slowed down from that wonderful, marvelous future that I saw a glimpse of.
And I realized, I was not dreaming at all... I was tracking...