Sometimes life just has a way of being a little unfair. Or - maybe it is not unfair at all. Maybe it is just trying to remind us of how things could be... or for me, how things used to be.
Last night, after my husband had gotten my daughter all snuggled in her crib (she has decided DADDY is better at this than mommy..) he came into bed and laid down beside me. Then, he gently put his hand on my tummy, and asked if I had felt any kicks recently. I could have cried.
That moment made me so elated - and yet it also nearly brought me to tears. When I was pregnant with my daughter last year... he hardly ever did that. In fact, the first real kicks I felt with my first pregnancy happened late at night - about 5am on Saturday, May 4th. Actually I think that would have made it Sunday, May 5th... but he was playing a "show" - a "show" which I know the place he played at, and I know what time they go off... he should have been home by 5am at the latest. Instead he was with his whore. He strolled in the house long after the sun was up, at about 7:30am. I was naive enough to believe him when he said he had been pulled over by a cop. And that moment was circling in my head last night...
And at the same time... I was so happy at him giving me that attention. The attention I craved last year and got none of. It means so much to me that he is here for me - that I DO have him now. And I think, instead of those bad memories creeping in and "tainting" the good times now... they are just there to remind me of how things were - and show me the difference to how they are now.
He knows he can't go back and redo the terrible mistakes he made in my last pregnancy.. but at least he has this chance to make things right this time, and that means more to me than he could ever know.
06.19.2003
1:41 p.m.
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