Friday, September 7, 2012

A new day

Today. I did something completely and totally out of character for me... and I actually enjoyed it. I sang to my daughter. She has this bus... that when you push a button on it, it plays the melody to "The Wheels on the Bus" - and out of no where I sang right along with it to her. Of course she thought that was absolutely hilarious... so of course I complied when she obviously wanted me to do it some more.

Let me elaborate - I never sing. Not to my husband, not do my daughter, and rarely even to myself. I am one of those people that is super embarrassed by the sound of my voice trying to hold a note - even when I am alone... so the fact that I nonchalantly started singing along with my daughters toy today, is a rather big deal.

I guess it means that my new medication is truly doing me some good. As I said before, my doctor put me on paxil, which I have been on before... though, the paxil never worked so well for me that I had the enthusiasm to do something like I did today.

My doctor also put me on xanax. And, I am almost embarrassed to admit it. I have always looked at xanax as a "leisure" drug... one no one really "needs" but manage to "get" because they needed to escape their problems rather than face them. I guess I should not have spoken so badly of them. It is not to escape anything... just to deal with it all easier.

I actually SANG to my daughter today. Sincerely SANG to her. Now, as soon as my husband hears this he is going to pressure me for a "performance" because it has always bothered him deeply that I refuse to "sing" in front of him... and I am sure that will make me clam up and want to hide (so hopefully he won't.) But - at least it's a start!!

On another note - I got called creepy today. Creepy for my desire to keep such a close watch on my husband that I have installed spyware on the computer. I say: to each his own. It makes me feel better... and right now, that is what it is all about for me. My husband cheated on me once, and said he would never do it again - he did it again. Now, he has sworn he will never do it again... but that's a story that I have heard before. Yes, the fact that he knows there is spyware on the computer will make him mind his manners more I am sure - but it is about making ME feel better... remember?

He is being so perfect these days. Hugging me when I need it, listening to me... telling me he loves me... many of the things that have been missing from our relationship for longer than I realized. So, looking forward and forward ONLY, I have every reason in the world to trust him. Unfortunately, I am basically incapable of looking forward without turning to see what's behind me every now and then - it only makes sense, for the protection of myself, and, most importantly, my children.

Until next time...

6:10 p.m.

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