I hate feeling so damn "fragile." Emotionally fragile. I am fragile about my weight... and certainly fragile about the issues that have occurred in my marriage... and it just seems sometimes that everything has something to do with at least one of these two things.
This weekend my step daughter was here, at one point my husband pulled out some of our old pictures, with the intention of showing her how the German Shepherd we used to have looked when he grew up. (Yes, we have a puppy, we may be certifiably insane for taking this on right now, but he sure is cute.) In that bunch of pictures was a picture of me... pre baby, pre 25lbs... he pipes out "Oh, here is Lisa when she was skinny..." - He was joking... and I know it, but it hurt. We have both been discussing our weight recently, we both have some to lose (he wants to lose 20lbs, I want to lose 30lbs.) So it should have been something for me to let roll off my back. Instead I just wanted to cry. I feel stuck... I have been just craving chocolate (stress) and have had NO time whatsoever to exercise. Therefore, instead of having the 21lbs to reach my "goal weight" that I had on December 17th (2003) I now have 28lbs until I hit that point. (By the way, my husband and I have said that we ARE starting a diet together tomorrow so we can help keep each other under control.) But anyway... that was ONE of my fluctuations this weekend...
The other was last night. We had to take my step daughter to Yonkers to get her home. Now, my husband does this all the time - but it has been a while since I rode along for the ride. And something about that damn ride always makes me think of his first affair. I think a lot of it has to do with part of the area we drive through to get there (Queens) though its a big county, and I know the whore is not truly close to where we drive, and neither is the hotel they used to "use" - it still triggers all sorts of emotions. Last night was no exception. I wanted to express myself then, but I did not want to bring my husband down with me... and then I never had chance to at any point last night... so I just let it drop. It is such a screwy situation. I just hate that I can't stop my mind from wandering like that. That does not even have a thing to do with his recent infidelity. But sometimes it still seems so fresh in my mind.
And infidelity just seems to be everywhere - like it's expected these days. And seeing all of it, just triggers these memories and they hurt me. There is a stupid Geico commercial about it even... (the girl is crying to the guy that she loves him but she can't do this, and he says I have good news and she says "so your leaving her" and he says no... I just switched.. blah blah blah.) It's in songs, movies, TV... it just makes me crazy. I don't know what's wrong with people. When did fucking around on someone you have sworn yourself to become so "ok"?
Anyway - enough of me getting off on THAT tirade. My intent in this entry was to just reiterate how crazy I seem to be making myself. My emotions are all over the charts.. one moment I am "up" then I am "down" then down some more... then I will be ok. And I figured it out - it's like I am just very "fragile" right now. Everything is affecting me more than it normally does...