You would think, as MY MOTHER, my child's GRANDMOTHER my mother would give a damn enough to call and see how things are going, right? Is it really so much to ask for her to simply pick up the phone and call me? Swallow her "pride" (if that's what you can call it.) And just say "Hey, I haven't talked to you since December 15th (2002) and I just wanted to see how you and the baby are doing?" Apparently, that is too much for her.
A very brief synopsis on my mother: SHE walks around and acts like she is/was/has been the best fucking mother on the face of the planet. In reality, she has problems. Everyone has problems, she has serious problems, in fact, I am beginning to believe my older brother when he says she has some serious mental problems as well. She always acts like the world is crumbling down around her, and normally it is - but it is ALL HER FAULT. She has had family and friends and anyone else she could find dig her out of her self dug graves SO MANY TIMES that I know of, it is sad. She was here in New York while I was pregnant... she has now (as of last October) moved back to Houston because she just "could not deal with the crap in New York" - translation: In New York it was much harder for her to drive around in an unregistered car with expired tags that would not even pass an inspection anyway - oh, and did I mention my younger brother that she allows to walk all over (I worry he will get/is abusive, though I don't think she would admit it) her who she let drive around with no license? So anyway (I know I'm rambling) fast forward through that: she decided she could not take NY, so little over a month after her granddaughter was born, she high tailed it back to Texas... then about Thanksgiving time we had a falling out - she wanted me to do all the dirty work to try to get her unemployment for the job she had here and have it sent to MY address because it is a NY address... (I don't even think she had legal claim to the unemployment) and I said no... she has not called me since. I called her on her birthday (mid-December), and she was very cold, so I said - I don't need this shit anymore and I will wait for her to call me.
I am getting increasingly sad over this. She only cares about herself, and her views of the world are so totally warped. Sometimes I worry how much of it rubbed off on me. Sometimes I feel like I am just too lazy (like her) - like my sitting here in front of this computer while my baby girl naps, I *should* be cleaning the house, vacuuming all the darn dog hair up that gets **EVERYWHERE**... By the way, I have a St. Bernard, (who I love to death don't get me wrong) but what *was* I thinking again?? My older brother and I have talked about this too... we call it the "mother syndrome" (actually we use her name but I'm not going to put that in here)... could such laziness be genetic? I don't know if it is really laziness... or just major procrastination to the point of waiting until it is too late?
Too much rambling... I'll write more later.
03.20.2003
2:29 p.m.
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