I feel like I am on a roller coaster. And I really hate it. One moment I feel great, the next I feel like I could just cry.
For instance, just a few moments ago I tried to tell my husband about a small "epiphany" I had yesterday... and he is always telling me to talk to him more... and right now, we NEED to talk more... and as I got started talking, we were interrupted by my daughter wanting to watch a certain show... this is no big deal and happens all the time... so I continued to talk to him, and as he searched through the Tivo list, he saw it was not there anymore. With out missing a beat, or caring I was telling him something important to ME, he just interrupted me with "Oh, YOU deleted that one. It was the March 31st one, she loved that one, and YOU deleted it."
And after that moment passed... (which I ignored because I am so tired of that petty crap) he did not even ask me about what I had been saying. This is why I have closed up recently. When I do talk, I am talking to a brick freaking wall.
And while I am on it, who gives a shit whether I deleted the damn show or not? Why does it have to me *MY* fault and not *HIS* - for the record, I have not deleted any show of munchkins off the Tivo in a while, so I doubt it was me, but IF it was, really so WHAT? DOES HE REALLY HAVE TO EMPHASIZE YOU DELETED IT? Meanwhile he even mentioned a week or so ago he went on some "deleting frenzy" with the damn Tivo. But you don't see ME pointing fingers because really... there are more important things than who deleted what off the fucking Tivo! < / useless rant that means nothing >
See? Stupid little things are just driving me up the damn wall. I know that is his personality... never take blame, blah blah blah - but wow it is getting under my skin these days.
Anyway... I have much more important things to say... (what I was TRYING to say to my husband earlier) I realized yesterday, while my son was having his "fit" something that to me, is very important. And really... made me feel quite guilty. He was throwing a fit, crying over some toy or something, and I picked him up and held him... and he looked at me with that adorable "baby" expression in the middle of his tears and I realized... I have been treating him, as if he was as old as my daughter. Now, there is only 14 months between them, and as they grow, that won't be much at all. But he is really only 18 months old (almost) - and I have been treating him like my daughter, who is almost 3. He has been holding his own great... but when she was his age, she got many more cuddles than he does now, (that she does not get now because she is on hyper drive constantly and does not slow down long enough for much) and she got much more patience, and - well... I think I should just treat him like he is a little bit littler than I have been. He is just my little baby, and can't figure things out as well as his sister can yet. And he always takes everything in stride, with such an amazing smile.
And with just that slight adjustment in my thinking... today my little guy fell sound asleep in my arms for the first time in months - and that is the most amazing, relaxing feeling in the world to me.
I know my husband probably did not even realize he cut me off like that. But it was just enough to drag me down, if only for a moment.
As for my previous rant filled entry... I am feeling better. We just need to get back home.