Tuesday, September 11, 2012

An unfinished rant

First off... since this will be a private entry, let me give a brief update on my mother-in-law. (The reason I am making these private: she does not want any of the grand kids to know yet, so, just to be safe, incase my step-daughter ever got curious, I know she would be able to find my diary if she ever went looking... so, for now, until we know more, and at least until after Christmas, basically whenever she decides to tell the kids all the entries about her health will be locked up.)
So, last I said in here, the doctor had given her the horribly grim diagnosis of "advanced pancreatic cancer." Well, after that, he called her, and said her blood tests came back that it seemed more like stomach cancer... (which confused us all.) Then with her appointment on Monday with the Oncologist... he said "lymphoma." What kind of lymphoma... he did not say. And honestly it sounds to me more like he just was not exactly sure, so he picked a cancer that COULD be a number of cancers, including pancreatic and stomach cancer... (at least from what I have researched on it in the past week.) So... Tuesday she was admitted to the hospital, and Wednesday they ran a number of tests, a biopsy included. Then yesterday they did something else (it begins with an 'e' but in an attempt to not butcher the poor word I will just describe it) - they stuck a camera down her throat. We should know at least some of the results from all of this today... I hope. So really... we do not know anything else... and I am just so worried about her... and I really do not know what to do about it all, at least yet.
And that is what I have for you on that subject.
As for the rest of this entry... it will probably be poorly put together and very scattered... because that is exactly how I feel right now. First, let me set a little bit of background up... just incase you have not been here from the beginning...
Nearly four years ago, I was pregnant with my Jillian, we were buying a house, my husband was working at a great job... and everything seemed to be so wonderful. And my husband started coming home later and later from work, always with a "reason" - and it mostly seemed believable enough. Of course... we all know where that went - I found out later he was not 'working' late at all. He was screwing his co-worker, and generally traveling all the way to a motel near her house in Queens, or worse, to her house in Queens.
Now he has this job... this new job, all the way over in Queens. This job we desperately needed him to get, but even when he took it - at least *I* thought it was a "to hold us over until he found something else" job. He is working ridiculously late.
I know he really is working. But I can't keep my worries at bay. All the "what if's" keep polluting my mind. Because in the past... I was so stupid. I was so naive. And now, he is spending all his time at work. With people that I have never met. Leaving at 8.. and ridiculously at 9... at NIGHT. And the ONLY times he has ever left work that late before - is when he was not leaving WORK at all... it just is dredging up old crap I wish would just go away.
And my fidelity worries are not even close to the majority of it. Yes, they are there... I am worrying right now they will always be there... and that gives me problems all by itself.. but I don't have the energy to even brooch that right now...
He says he is so happy with this new job... but I wonder.. how the hell could he be? He is barely seeing us. Sure, he is leaving here a whole 'hour' later in the mornings. So.. I am supposed to be happy with that? Happy that the kids will seemingly never get to eat dinner on the weekdays with him again? Happy that they get an "hour" in the morning, and lose 3 hours at night? Happy that I feel like I am just doing it all on my own. I update his site every morning... now late every morning because of when he leaves, and the kids take advantage of my inability to be on top of their every move BECAUSE I am trying to update his site [His site.] which leads to me yelling more at them, giving them less time THEY need, and it just breeds a bad day.
He is getting home so late, he gets here, and they go to bed. Meanwhile they SHOULD be going to bed BEFORE he gets here most nights. I have no time to breathe. None. at. all.
There are so many other things that I just can't even think of at the moment. SO many other things.
I am miserable. He says he is happy. At what point do those conflicting path's collide? And how?

This entry was even less detailed than I wanted it to be... which just pisses me off... but of course, this is due to my fucking mother. She HAS a job, at a furniture store. One that she says is close to going out of business, so she is looking for a back up job.. well, she of course has been flaking out on the job she DOES have (welcome to her pattern) so she was supposed to take the bus to Farmingdale today for an interview... well... she comes up the stairs once she has already MISSED the bus, all dressed and bitching about how her life is horrible, it has ALWAYS been horrible... and why should anything change... and then she starts making excuses to why it was pointless to go to the interview to begin with... and just on and on and on with various nonsense... And I am screaming inside my head.
I feel like I am at my breaking point today.
My mother just came BACK upstairs, to say she "did something she told herself she was NOT going to do" and rescheduled her appointment for Monday." Great... so now I get to go through her can never ever ever ever get the hell out on time sorry for herself everything in her life always sucks pity party again on Monday? I suppose I gave a less than interested reaction.. she says "oh, I guess you are having a bad day too..."
You know what... just leave me the fuck alone.
I feel like I am at my breaking point.

12:37 p.m.

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