Monday, September 10, 2012


Sometimes I just wonder, what the hell is wrong with me?
All day long I have been going back and forth over the dumbest thing. It is not even important in the grand scheme of my life... so why I have my self near tears is beyond me.
I was - or am... who the hell knows, supposed to go out tonight. To this get together in my area from some of the various yahoo groups I am on. And I thought, this would be a great way to meet some like minded people. And, because I am such a damn recluse, I told my mother I would bring her too.. last week sometime.
Now I don't even want to go. My husband was leaving work "early" (6) to be home for me by 7 and everything... and what the hell... if he is actually going to be home, I would rather spend that time with him. Right? BUT I have to go grocery shopping before I come home too, because I did not get that done on Sunday. But I just don't want to deal with any of it.
Like I completely freeze up at the thought of a social situation. I just want to bang my head against a wall... or curl up into a ball and cry.
This should not be like some kind of torture.
And of course now my mother is being a total pushy pain in my ass about it, saying crap like "well, *I* wanted to go..." and it takes every ounce of my energy to not just scream SO FUCKING GO ALREADY. It's not like she "needs" me - and she has her own vehicle... why the hell does all the weight have to be on MY shoulders?? It just makes me want to NOT go that much more.
I just want to go back to bed. I feel like today just started off all wrong, and I want to go back to bed and do it all over again. But we don't get that option...
So I sit here, with a lump in my throat for probably the most retarded reason in the world.
And a guy was supposed to come install the Wall A/C unit here today, but has not shown up, and he did not show up yesterday either - well yesterday I at least had notice that he was missing a part... what the hell is up today? I may have central air in my house, but in the 2 rooms it is needed the most... you would not be able to tell. And it is driving me over the edge. It is currently 93.7 outside - and probably about the same in here. And I am supposed to get a shower and be ready to go somewhere in this murky humid crap? So I can get all gross within seconds?
I can't wait for winter.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to go. I want to spend time with my family. But then... I won't have this chance again for another month... and why not go? Well... because I want to spend time with my family. But then.. what about the grocery store?
I don't know.. I don't care. I really don't understand why I am in such a horrible mood today. It's not that "bad" - but I just feel down. And I know I am doing it to myself.
I will email my husband and tell him I am not going. But, then he has no reason to hurry home... throwing my entire problem pointless... if he isn't home "early" then I am not spending time with him anyway - right?
Am I really that afraid of people... of social situations. (Then my husband, or mother may try to "come down on me" about that too... which only draws me further into my "shell.")
I don't know.. I guess stay tuned. At this point, it would be a relief to just decide to NOT go - but then, what about the groceries. And... I certainly don't want to do it tomorrow... tomorrow is our wedding anniversary... and see.. there is even more reason to stay home and spend time with my husband, and my family.

4:14 p.m.

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