Updates have been sporadic because we are going ahead with moving to Chicago, IL the first week of June. My husband has secured a wonderful job with a paid relocation there... so, I'm sorry I have not been updating regularly. I am sure I won't get back into a "groove" of writing regularly until we are moved and our internet hook up is installed and all, which all should be completed by about June 5th.
Anyway... I had a sort of mini breakdown today. I was getting a shower, and my mind just flooded itself with everything from the past few years. Well, not everything, just everything bad. My husbands infidelities. I think, for a moment anyway, everything that happened in January that I have forced to the shadows of my mind caught up with me. It just brought me absolutely to tears.
So, taking my mindset into consideration, when I got out of the shower, I opened the bathroom door and looked in to see my husband on the computer, happily looking at porn. He was supposed to be watching the babies... I mean once before I got the "I would not do that while watching the baby" statement... but there he was, clicking through a site picking and choosing smut to look at.
I asked him what was he doing, and he tried to lie... say it was a pop up... I told him I knew better and that I had been watching him. He goes... "it really bothers you that much??" Geezus. We have had that talk I don't know how many times... and yes it does bother me that much. Granted, if given the choice of looking at either my naked (fat, frumpy) body or some pretty thin porn star's, I would probably find the porn starts more appealing too... but that's just it... more the reason it makes me feel like shit.
So, he did not even bother to apologize. I guess it is best he didn't, because it would have been fake. You can only say your sorry about the same thing so many times before it loses it's meaning and merely becomes empty words and promises. It just really hurt my feelings, in particularly I think because of my state of mind at that moment.
He has said going to Chicago may be very good for "us." A "fresh start." I think he is right. Here I think of his infidelities so much because everything seems to remind me of them. And it hurts. Physically hurts.
Anyway... my husband has hurt my feelings so many times with that sort of bullshit, I don't know why I even let it get to me anymore. But it does... I don't see why he puts looking at something like that over my FEELINGS. Does it really mean that much to him?
05.18.2004
12:43 a.m.
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