**Note: This entry was written at about 5 in the afternoon on December 1st, then my mother got out of the shower, I had to stop writing and all that... so, it cuts off, and drastically changes subjects abruptly. I am sorry about that.
Everyday should be "World AIDS Day" - but I suppose that is just my opinion.
I don't even know where to start with this week... and it is not that really "that" much has happened... just that it has been somehow "full" anyway. It started for me on Sunday... actually sometime on Saturday, when I noticed my throat felt a bit scratchy.. I told myself I was not going to get sick, over and over... but still... that was not enough. By Sunday night, I knew there was no denying it - I had cooties.
My focus then shifted to making sure I did everything I could to keep my babies from getting sick... so far, with my little guy, I lucked out it seems. (Knock on wood...) - but on Monday, my Jillian seemed a bit sluggish. By the afternoon, she had a fever going... and she just sort of lounged around all day. And my poor angel.. she was trying so hard to behave - we ate dinner late that night, I was waiting for my husband to get home... and my little guy was in my lap, and Jilly was on the couch, and I looked over, and she was sitting there so quiet - with a tear running down her face.
At that moment I think I physically felt my heart break into a thousand little pieces. My poor baby girl was sitting there feeling so badly, and she was not even saying anything about it. Of course I immediately got her into my lap, and just held her until her Daddy got home... (at which point I become chop liver, she is a Daddy's girl!)
Thankfully on Tuesday she already seemed a bit better... and yesterday she was pretty much back to normal. Me on the other hand... well, I never escape that easily... at least these days. Yesterday, still all groggy from the constant migraine this thing gave me - I noticed my ear hurting. As the day went on, it got worse, and worse.
By last night, I had conceded... either it was one hell of an ear infection, or my brain had finally given up, and was trying to make it's big break.
You know... I thought colds only turned into ear infections when you were say... 5 or so. I had not even had an ear infection since I was somewhere around the age of 9. But today, of course all that changed as the doctor confirmed that I did, in fact, have a raging ear infection. Because that is just what I wanted right now.
I know, it could be worse, this could have been last week, and I could have been cringing from the sensation of a 9 inch knife driving into my ear at every shriek of a munchkin or touch on the ear by even the faintest hair during attempting to cook Thanksgiving dinner... or it could have waited and taken some of the joy out of Christmas, or Christmas Eve. But darn it... it just sucks period.
So here is the abrupt change I told you about at the beginning of the entry.
I am not going to go into a lot of detail right now, because I just have a tremendous amount to process... and I need to decide if I am going to make the following entries on this matter public - which I prefer... or private - due to the enormity of the matter.
The very short of it is, this evening we got some very horrible news. Someone very close and dear to us has been given an impossible to swallow - or (for me) even accept diagnosis. [Not me, my husband, or either of my 2 children or step-daughter.] But yet another hardship has struck our immediate family... and I just do not know what the hell to do.
I feel like I would be happiest right now if I could just cry it all out. But that will not make it go away. That will not make it better. So I just do not know what to do. And honestly.. I feel completely lost.
I am so sorry that was so cryptic. I will hopefully have time to write more tomorrow... well, today at this point, but you know - after I have slept.
12.02.2005
12:47 a.m.
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