Fifteen Dollars

I can tell this will probably be an all over the place entry... because I just have too much I want to unload here at once...

So I will start with the good: we went to my husband's companies Christmas party last night. It was nice... it was good to get out, and my babies did wonderfully while we were away, so I was able to be rather relaxed. I even got an up close view of the big tree, which I have never seen in person before. Everyone made me feel really good... acting shocked that I "looked the way I did" and had just had a baby three weeks ago. (I just hope they were sincere.)

Now onto more woeful issues: a couple of weeks ago during a "routine" call I made to my mother, the friend of hers she is staying with answered the phone... normally this is not a big deal, he just passes the phone right over to her, and really does not even mutter an extra word to me. This one time was different. With a slight attitude he told me my mother needed $15 dollars for her heart medication, and gave me a bit of a speech about how my older brother there won't help her and such (hinting that I was the same way)... end of story - he did not give me a chance to say anything... and he passed the phone over to my mother. To say it lightly... at that moment I was shocked. He had totally caught me off guard and his attitude royally pissed me off... but I had no chance to say anything in return. And I know where his attitude comes from -  I am quite sure it is from what my mother tells him "oh, my children will never help me... blah blah blah"

Oh - wait, she's right. I don't help her much - anymore. She has made her bed enough times that she should have learned her lesson. But for some reason this time I wanted to help. If it was truly for her heart medication... that is important to me. I may not get along with my mother... but I do take comfort in knowing she is around... someone I CAN call (recently anyway). And so I wanted to make the effort to send $15 her way. Then I made the mistake of telling her I was going to try to send it. So, now she expects it. And I have realized, I can't send it. $15 is just too much to spare right now... I have groceries to get for my step daughters long holiday stay here, formula to get for my baby boy... and several Christmas presents I'd still like to get my daughter, that are not cheap. So, I guess what I am saying is I feel guilty... and bad that I won't send it to her, but I have to take care of my immediate family first.

I am also a little bummed about the prospect of no Christmas presents for me (again) this year. I know it's my fault though. I simply did not leave room in our budget for my husband to take any money out to get me anything. I wish I could snap my fingers and fix all our money issues. It just takes time. We have not even been able to go about fixing it "right" because we had the baby... and now the holidays - it will be the end of January before we can actually use one of my husbands checks to catch up on anything. I guess I am just feeling a little down about it today.

But I know it's ok though... all I really need for Christmas is for my family to be happy and healthy... and at my side.

12.18.2003
4:14 p.m.