First off, I did an entry earlier today, that is very important to me, therefore if you didn't read it, please Click Here to do so. I almost didn't even post this entry today because I wanted it up there long enough for everyone to see. So... if you haven't already, please give it a read.
Now onto my real entry of the moment:
There are many things I want for 2005. Many, many things. Obviously most importantly that my children remain healthy and happy - that should go without saying.
I also want my marriage to continue to gain strength. We are in a very good place right now, nothing like where we were at this point last year. I considered going back and reading those entries before posting this one - but I didn't. I know what was happening... and I will not find myself there again.
To truly move into the future, I have to let go of the past. This I know - and have known. I just think however, I only recently realized what "letting go" means. I have been waiting for a time when saying a certain person's name - be it hers, or simply someone who shares her name, did not sting my heart... and I have been waiting for a time when remembering the despair I felt at certain points since discovering his affair didn't bring tears to my eyes - I thought THAT was "letting go."
It's not. My pain and anger can not continue to go hand in hand. There may always be things that remind me of the very dark times in my marriage... and those things may always cause me pain - but that's no reason to hold onto it... almost as if I was afraid of losing it...
I am not afraid of losing the pain, or anger any longer. I don't want it in my life, in any form. I have way to many wonderful things that need my undivided attention... my children.. they are the most amazing bunches of pure love I have ever encountered. (Even when my daughter is throwing her "I'm two and I'm going to act like it" fits.) My husband... though over the past few months he has been home we have been at each other's throats on occasion... we have grown closer together in a way we desperately needed to.
I feel content. I feel as if recently I have really figured out who I am.. when I didn't even know I needed to figure it out... Overall... I like the person I have found - and that's something I have needed for a while now.
I am going to make this coming year a good one... for myself, my children, and my family as a whole. Every moment I share with them is precious... and I take nothing for granted. They are my everything.
Here is something I took from Msguided that I thought was neat... though some of the questions completely didn't apply to me or I didn't have a good witty answer for, it will be neat to look back on it NEXT New Years Eve...
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Gained a sense of self - I now know much better what *I* want, and what *I* enjoy, and such. Not in a selfish way at all... merely in a way everyone needs to know themselves. I discovered the person I did not even know I was.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No, I really didn't keep my resolutions from last year. I still want to learn Spanish... but now I also want to learn Russian as well. Go figure... the list grew. Here it is December 31st with less than 7 hours to midnight, and I still don't know if I will make any actual "resolutions" for this year. I guess time will tell....
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't think so. I had just given birth when the year started... does that count?
4. Did anyone close to you die?
5. What countries did you visit?
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Financial stability. Hopefully we are off to a good start... my husband started his new job today!
7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
This year has a really bad week from January I will not soon forget... and of course the week we moved here to Illinois in the beginning of June. Many good memories...
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
9. What was your biggest failure?
My weight. I started out losing weight and then somewhere between there and here - well... I still need to lose weight.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing new from years past.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably this computer. I LOVE this computer too. Once we are financially better off I want a flat screen monitor to make it complete. (And keep the cats from stepping on it and knocking things down!)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My children's. They are amazing. My daughter is speaking in SENTENCES, and my little guy is growing more independent by the hour.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted?
I plead the 5th. - The past is the past.
14. Where did most of your money go?
My Chidlren and My Family
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My children... moving to IL and the new opportunity's.
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
I don't know. See... I can't answer this without giving away my lame music tastes... and I just can't think of the name of the darn song...
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? the same? Much happier.
b) thinner or fatter? The same. But see, last year I had an excuse - I had just had a baby... this year I simply just need to lose the damn weight already.
c) richer or poorer? Financially poorer - however that has put many things into perspective for me. When our finances do improve, I am going to know to cherish the money better - and SAVE.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stressed. I stressed WAY to much this year.
20. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
With my family, and friends. Going to eat chips and dip... drink some wine... watch the ball in NY drop and celebrate... then watch the local Chicago celebrations and go kiss my sleeping (because they WILL be sleeping) babies Happy New Year.
21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Everyday, more and more. With either my children, or my husband... on many lucky days with both.
22. How many one-night stands?
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Lost and Desperate Housewives, and of course Survivor.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No comment. (See previous "past is in the past" response.)
25. What was the best book you read?
Book of Shadows by Phyllis Curott or House of Bush, House of Saud by Craig Unger
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hearing my daughter sing. She sings everything now - and it still makes me cry... nearly streaming tears - it is the most beautiful music I have ever heard.
27. What did you want and get?
I'm simple... health, love happiness. Got most of it, a lot of the time, so I can't complain.
28. What did you want and not get?
Financial stability. But that just gives me something to work for this year.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I am drawing a complete blank.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24 this year, and had a wonderful birthday. BBQ, and fireworks. Who could ask for more? (My birthday is July 4th, BBQ and fireworks is a yearly tradition.)
31.What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
I should have lost weight.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Yoga pants and T-shirts - COMFY.
33. What kept you sane?
This is a trick question right?
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
HA! Don't go there.
36. Who did you miss?
I wish we could have spent more time with family this year. Mine and my husband's.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
My very good friend Sherri and her family.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
Take in every moment I can with my children and cherish it. They grow so very, very fast.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I can't think of any.
If you made it all the way through that - thank you. And, I hope everyone has a very happy, healthy and SAFE New Year!