From opposite sides of the bed...

**Note: this gets very personal.

Going to bed at night has become a nightly sexual tug-of-war between my husband and myself. It's making me crazy. It seems recently, 98% of the time, I do not want to have sex. Yet, 100% of the time... my husband does.

Last night was a perfect example... I crawled into bed and rested my head comfortably on his chest... because I love the closeness. Immediately he expects this will lead to sex. When things are not moving "fast enough" for him, he starts in with: "will you rub my stomach" (which ultimately he expects to lead to me going much further down than his stomach...) and after he got no where with that he tried "why don't you put on those pretty under wear you got..." and all the while I am getting more and more stressed and LESS interested in sex.

And after a while of this, he gave up... and turned over. But last night was slightly different in that things seemed to "come to a head" and he then asked me what's been bothering me the past day... answering honestly I told him probably the same things bothering him. He almost sarcastically said "don't think so" but then relaxed and said he had work on his mind, etc. Ok - so since he is going to be difficult I have to spell it out? Sheesh... obviously his upcoming trip is on both of our minds... my mothers visit... and *I* am very bothered by the way his mother is acting very childishly/disrespectfully/etc regarding my sons name (but that's another entry) and he knows everything on my mind. And sure... there are other problems, we have touched on THOSE too... or did he forget?

You see... last week sometime, we had a very similar scenario play out - in which he decided he was not tired anymore, and he got up and went on the computer... I then heard him typing away, so I assumed the next morning I would either find an email from him... or a rant in his diary... and I found an email, that read: "Lisa, I am feeling sadness. What's wrong? Talk to me please...... I work my ass off to provide for u & our children. I come home, barely see, talk to you. We go to bed... Most of the time too tired.. The times we are alone...You are not interested in any affection. Yes I know u want to just be held, yet it seems as if something is plaguing you. Please tell me. I'm receiving mixed signals... It has been well over 4 weeks since u "initiated" any "sexual" affection. I cannot even take  care of "me" because only you turn me on. Please tell me what is wrong. Are you not happy with us? I Love u, Andrew"

So, in an effort to really clear my head, I let it all out and my response was: Andrew,

I don't know where to begin. And, I hope everyone stays quiet long enough for me to get all this out in writing the way I want to, because the last thing I need is for something to come out "wrong" or for you to misinterpret what I am trying to say.

I love you very much. And I am very happy with our family, and our life, and with what our marriage could be. Parts of me are feeling very sad these days, your right. And I don't know what to do, and I have not known how to approach you on it.

I don't feel secure with you. I know that you love me... I am not saying that. However I question: Do you love me enough?

There are things you do that bother me... bother me to the point of making me uneasy, and unhappy... yet you have not offered to change. You just state that this is the way you are, with a take it or leave it attitude.

You say you smoke with the people you work with. You are crossing a line you have no business crossing... are any female? There is another line you should not cross. But back to the point... you are jeopardizing your job - for what?? You have a family to support, you have no business doing that shit. Maybe once every six months on a Friday night here at home I could tolerate. But what you are doing is inexcusable, and unacceptable to me.

The other night you admitted what I already disturbingly knew: that you enjoy looking at gay porn. You did not offer to not do it, even after I expressed how much it bothers me. Let me elaborate on how much it bothers me: our marriage will not survive it. You continue to have gay fantasies or whatever, I will leave you. I WILL NOT LIVE MY MOTHER'S LIFE. I fear you cheating on me enough without worrying about whether I have to worry about MEN too. And if you ever did... and ever gave me anything... and shortened my life and took me away from my children... I don't even know how or IF I could handle that.

I have had to ask myself: in my opinion, if you had the chance to have a one night stand... in California, for instance... do I feel you would take it? My answer: yes. You have no idea how much that hurts me to even say. But I feel you would. I feel you even may have been the one to place those charges on your credit card. You have certainly not done the paper work yet to get them removed. How am I supposed to trust you? For instance just last night these are the sites that are on our computer: http://www.b@ngdate.com/; http://hometown.@ol.com/liswingersgroup/; http://kinkyd@tes.net; And some yahoo :long island gang bang group. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK? A SWINGERS group?? DATING web sites? These are NOT the actions of someone who I can trust.

I feel sad, sad for me, and extremely sad for our children. I am petrified that you are full of shit... that you just want to have it your way... period. I can't live like that. You SAY "I am the only one that turns you on" - but obviously that's bullshit, or your looking ACTIVELY for someone else that can. You have no idea how hurt I am by all this. I don't want to feel like our marriage is running on borrowed time... but I can't fix it by myself.

I want to want to touch you at night... I want to feel that closeness again. But your right... I have been avoiding affection, because I am afraid. I feel suffocated... like you want to make sure you get off... and then "whatever." That it does not matter to you if I WANT to "help you out" at that moment or not.

I just feel like I am needing a lot from you right now. A lot more than you have been giving. More understanding (though you have been very understanding), more tolerance and more of a willingness to work with me on these issues. I have been afraid to even say anything, because I have not wanted to be let down... by you getting defensive, or brushing me off as if it's not important.

I love you so much - I need to feel we are on the same page... together, in everything. Does that make sense?

I hope this did not come out all jumbled... and I hope I got what I was trying to say out... without it getting all skewed. I was only interrupted a half dozen times... rather than the dozen I expected.

I love you. Please work with me. Lisa

So, that is what I wrote to him... his response? "Those sites were on some girls profile I checked from a message board" He won't even give me a straight answer about what message board. And he has not said a damn thing about anything else. Like he just expects it to "go away." And even still, just on New Years Eve when I left him alone to watch the children while I ran to the store... when I got back he had emptied out all the history. So... yes - I do have other issues... but they are not causing me to not have sex with him on a nightly basis...

I am going to have to finish this another time... my baby girl just woke up from her nap. Anyway - last night we ended with him mentioning to me some of those things he has seen in my Cosmo magazine to increase my "libido" - and what the hell, maybe I'll give it a shot.




01.05.2004
3:35 p.m.