Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Good Intentions

It's been a seriously emotional week for me. Leading up to last Friday during the week, I must have had this thick black cloud surrounding me, that just grew, and got larger, darker, and thicker. I had this horrible case of nerves - because my older brother was arriving on Friday. (He flew in on Wednesday, but went into Manhattan with a friend of his for the first 2 days.) So - he took the train out to me, and in the middle of a terrible sleet storm, I picked him up. I don't know what I feared so much... I feel like a part of me was terrified he was going to step off the train and say something like "What the hell happened to you!?!?" But, of course he didn't.

And his visit here went very well. He got to finally meet my children (I had not seen him in years, before I had either of my babies.) and he got to see my home, and overall, it just went well. St. Patrick's Day I think everyone had a blast - my husband's Aunt came by, and Uncle Glenn, and Glenn brought along Mike (Glenn, Mike, and my husband have been in a band together off and on for years.) So of course, with them in a room together, it was only a matter of time before someone pulled out a guitar! And my brother sings in the choir, so there they were - all standing in my kitchen - giving us a concert!

Then, before I knew it, it was all done and over with. And at 4 am on Sunday I made my way through the icy roads to get my brother to the airport. But at least now I am not frantic over seeing him in April. Because I would have been - if he had not seen me already. (I hate the way I look right now.) So now, looking forward, before I know it my baby girl and I will be boarding a plane to Houston! We will see my brother the first day we are there, then rent a car and drive to San Antonio for my best friend's daughter's first birthday - then go back to Houston to fly home.

I just feel really subdued tonight. I just have this urge to go into my children's bedroom, lay down on the hard, uncomfortable floor, and go to sleep. Just to be close to them. Meanwhile, I am sure within a few hours of my going to bed, my daughter will make her way in anyway. She has been doing that again at night - and it is totally exhausting. I only sort of sleep when she is beside me - I am out enough to not get up and take her back to her bed, but I am not truly asleep either.

Anyway - things were tense between my husband and myself today. I hope he was just cranky because he has been really sick this week. But sometimes he gets in these moods and he says such terrible, heartbreaking things. Earlier today he told me he had been reading back, to the things I used to write, and that I was such a "different" person. That I was a "totally different person" back then. About 4 years ago he says. He said I was so much happier. And that just totally baffled me. To the core. I mean sure - on one hand I was dealing with the euphoria of my brand new baby girl, and being a new Mommy... and that was just blissful. But on the flip side of that proverbial coin - it was also one of the lowest points in my life - at the same time it was one of the highest. I was still deeply in the middle of dealing with his infidelity, I trusted no one, and I felt like it was myself, and my new, sweet, innocent baby girl against a horrible, cruel world. How could he possibly say I seemed to much happier back then!?

Now I see us as a family. We are a team. I feel secure in his love for me, and our children. I just wish I could understand why he said that. I hope his being ill has just clouded his head.

Tonight he was hard on me too. Sometimes he tries the tough love approach to my weight problem. And that just make me feel like I am total shit. I know he means well and he is simply concerned. But I wish he would find a new way of showing it. I know my hip pain should not stop me from working out. I KNOW this. But it does. I dread it. I dread doing anything to make it any worse and it is like torture. I wish there was a short cut - to my weight, the hip. Something. My weight is going down, painfully slow. Of course the slow pace is all my fault. Which he was quick to point out "you eat crap, you don't work out like YOU said YOU would" - and I KNOW this. I don't need to be reminded. But I eat much less "crap" than I used too. And I am TRYING to get myself moving more. It is just so hard for me to not get very, very down about. And tonight I was also told "we are only together for the children..." - that just made me want to curl up into a ball and cry. Sometimes I think he just wants an argument. But he didn't get one. I just kept to myself, and wanted to cry. I hope tomorrow brings a better day...

I just have to tell myself I will wake up feeling strong, with a smile on my face and the patience and strength I need for the day. As of right now - I want to just stay home tomorrow night - I am supposed to go out. Hopefully I still will... I am sure this mood will pass. Like I said - I will wake up with a smile on my face, and this weight will be off my chest.

Good night everyone - I hope you have a lovely weekend!

Posted Date: : Mar 23, 2007 10:38 PM

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