Hopefully this is temporary.

I am feeling really irritable and just... down. This is not how I wanted to end the year/begin the new year feeling at all, and I think that is just adding to my problem.
Once again my husband has made it clear to me he is very unhappy with the amount of (lack of) sex in our marriage. And after we talked about this last night and all... I was simply in general feeling like shit about it all. I was trying to figure out what could possibly be "wrong" with me that I don't want to fuck at every possible opportunity I am given... and what could I do to fix this. Do I need to go to the doctor and as embarrassing as it may be explain the problem? Am I truly that abnormal? Is something wrong with my thyroid... my hormones... and I just swirled all this around and around in my head....
Part of what I got from my husband last night made it seem as though he almost felt hurt I don't "want" him - which is the farthest from the truth... and that made me feel horrible and sad that I must be making him feel this way... and then, there is always the underlying "well, if I don't get with it here he will just go find it somewhere else..." and that made me even more sad.
Today... well, today I still feel sad - but also quite mad. What the hell happened to for better or for worse etc and so on?? Where the hell is HIS attempt at understanding? I have told him time and time again I think I will relax some once our little guy is moved into his own room - which I am working my best to make happen by the middle of January. His response to that last night was "other people do it and find ways to work around it..." - talk about simply thinking of HIMSELF. I have told him my hip hurts - and it seems he just feels it will ALWAYS hurt so I best just get used to "putting out" and dealing with the pain... which to a certain extent I agree with... I feel the pain is worth it sometimes - but don't act like it's no big deal because it is.
I want my sex life back, I really do. I just don't appreciate the way I am being treated about it. Maybe I should go to a doctor and find out if anything IS causing my "lack of desire" because apparently I should be wanting to screw every free second of the friggin day - according to my husband. Meanwhile the times I DO want to I am worried about waking up the baby or something.
Just this reverberating "it's all YOUR fault, it's all YOUR fault, YOU better fix this, it's all YOUR fault (maybe I'll go find another piece of ass on the side) it's all YOUR fault, I don't care about your "excuses" YOU better fix this (what the fuck happened to the "WE" here??), it's all YOUR fault, YOUR fault, YOUR fault, YOUR fault, YOUR FAULT........."
There... I think I feel better now.

12.30.2004
9:08 a.m.