When I first started writing online, it was solely a way to vent. A way to rid myself of all the negativity that built up inside of me on a daily basis. My life is completely different now. I have all of the wonderful things I had back then - and all of the terrible, bad things are gone. Just gone.
But allow me to digress.......... only for a moment. There has been this ongoing intimacy issue between my husband and myself. We are the closest now that we have ever been. I can honestly say, with no doubt in my mind, that he loves me the way I have always wanted and craved. Now I just have to break through a few barriers I put up. For the most part, I have. We are not intimate as much as the average couple... I know this. But I also know that is something that is going to be corrected... pretty rapidly at this point. I am taking steps to get my health back to where it needs to be... and as I lose weight my body image will improve, I will become more confident, and it will just naturally follow. The thing that bothers my husband, and it bothers me too... is that we don't kiss. I know exactly why. It is my one remaining barrier. My one "hungry ghost" as my (Medicine Wheel) teacher calls it. See, there was a moment, where, I knew - blatantly and without a doubt what my husband had been doing... and it happened, with a kiss. And he left the house, and I sat at my kitchen table, in my brand new home, 6 months pregnant with my now 4 year old daughter... and I cried. I cried myself to exhaustion. And I felt alone, and betrayed, and totally vulnerable. And I went to bed, and I cried even more. Until I woke up... had to once again wear my persona that everything was okay (because I did not yet have enough 'proof' to confidently confront him.) I showered and went to work... smiling at my husband as I closed the door behind me.
That feeling of betrayal is long gone. Once again replaced by a warm, fuzzy feeling when my husband smiles at me. I the past nearly 5 years we have lived what seems like an entire lifetime together. I now have more confidence in his love for me that I did - probably on the day we said "I do."
I have just that one lingering ghost that haunts me. Not all the time - not nearly as often as it used too... but about half of the time, when I kiss my husband, I get that feeling in my stomach. A horrible reminder of that one moment in my life where nothing was as it was 'supposed' to be.
Anyway... I just thought it might help to talk for a moment about it. It is like some sort of "post traumatic stress" thing I guess. I want to relax and be totally comfortable again. And I am. I completely am. I just feel like sometimes that feeling catches me off guard, and it throws me for a loop. Sometimes I wish I could go back and just erase that one little memory. Because now I am the one causing my husband pain... when he wants to kiss me, and I pull away. I feel ridiculous, it is something I should simply be OVER by now. Just sometimes it still sits there, under my table, waiting for table scraps. It is my one remaining hungry ghost - and I am done feeding it. (I know that metaphor probably means nothing to most of you reading this, but it means a lot to me, with a lot of the things I am learning these days... it is a phrase my teacher repeats 'don't feed your hungry ghosts'.) Well.. I am ready to starve my last one.
Here... is a wonderful story - my husband will love my putting up. It is one he has referenced many times in the past actually:
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. - One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Anyway... moving on. I finally feel ready and very excited to talk about something I have only shared with my nearest and dearest... On Friday, I was finally able to put down my deposit on, and buy my plane ticket for a trip to PERU I am taking in JUNE!! I am so excited I can barely contain myself! It is a long, amazing, 2 week trip! All the information for it is here!!!
AND I have started my own business! (Well, not really, but sort of!) I sell yummy food now! It is all available online too, (hint hint) just click here to be taken to my web page all about it!
Okay, my time is up, my children are taking over the house. Thank you for listening to all of my rambling...
02.25.2007
1:41 p.m.
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