Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I don't understand...

Ok, so I've had an interesting 24 hours. I have not updated this diary in forever, I'm sorry for that. And last night in the grocery store I saw a journal, a regular paper journal... It caught my eye and looked really cute, so I picked it up and decided to get it. I like when I can put my thoughts down on paper... thought this is not paper... it is a good close second. When I got it my husband suggested I start an online journal. So - I told him I had had one. And gave him this name. He acted surprised... though I could have sworn he probably has known about it all along. Either way - it does not bother me.

What bother's me is what I just found. HE has been keeping another online journal. That is not what bother's me... I think that's great. What bother's me is that he finds it a MUST to keep it from me. His opening line in his first entry was: "I once tried this and got busted by my wife. So here goes again." Tell me - why does it have to be a matter of "getting busted" - Why doesn't he feel he can tell me anything he can type? Why does he feel he has to always "search" for someone??? That hurts. It hurts like hell. Maybe I am misreading it... hopefully he will clarify it for me. You see, then in other entries he says things like this: "Hug me, embrace me...Take away the pain, the tears that fall inside yet too weak to travel.My Lover who ,I will meet in another lifetime.,....Caress, breath, touch, kiss, Love......Love......anybody out there?" If I am not that "lover who can take away the pain.." - then why is he with me??

Now, he will probably go and lock his diary - or make it vanish like he did the last one. But that's pretty wrong because... mine is here - right out in the open for him to see. I am not even going to bitch at him that he has clearly gotten back in touch with someone he got TOO close to in December. Well... maybe a little, but what can I really do, right? Clearly it makes no difference to him that it hurts my feelings. I don't like feeling sad.

2:36 p.m.

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