My husband has said he is concerned that I am too stressed right now. I agree with him. I am too stressed. Way too stressed. But honestly - I don't know what to do about it. Nothing is going to "take the stress away" for most likely at least another month. After that, yes - I do see several improvements... but until then I feel like I may be in a constant state of pulling my hair out.
For one: The "my dog" saga. We spoke to the woman from the rescue group over the weekend and she is estimating his wait to go there at a month. Ok... I have to live with that... I have no choice. But, this morning I realized my daughter is officially beginning to suffer because of the dog. She is a growing, learning, VERY curious 10 month old. She needs to get down on the floor and crawl around. She needs to be able to pull herself to a standing position (with my supervision) on the couch... the table... etc.... not JUST her crib and play pen like she does now. I can't let her do these things. ANY of these things. This morning I decided we were going to have some much needed play time on the floor of her room. (The only floor in the house she can really roam freely on because it is not covered in dog hair and there is a permanent baby gate keeping the dog OUT.) And after about 10 mins the dog had me near tears. He was standing with his mammoth head over the gate... barking. Looking me dead in the eye and barking. I knew if he left my site though he would go pee in the house out of spite from being kept out of the room we were in. So I scooped my daughter up, went out of the room and put the dog outside... by the time we got back in her room (a mere 15 step walk) the dog was barking at the door... just as insanely and repetitively as he was at the gate. Then he got smart and rotated from the door to under her bedroom window... and back again. So... letting her crawl around on her floor... AND keeping my sanity I realized would not happen. The same thing happens if I try to let her crawl around on the floor of the computer room. I can take her to my bed and let her play all she wants... but recently the bed has gotten a bit too small... one good stride in her crawl and she is at the edge... so that offers her no fun either as all she is doing is getting going at a good pace, just to have mommy pull her back to where she started from. She has gotten tired of her play pen for the most part... tired of her swing... and she cries when I even try to put her in her crib because she sees it for her naps that she fights...
I made up my mind to get rid of the dog. A dog I love very much. But I made up my mind. So - I need him gone already. This "limbo" is driving me nuts. (And then there is the small dog with his barking problems... I hope I can train him to NOT bark at every given chance once my mind has settled and my focus is back... HE is really driving me insane too.)
So that is issue number one. Number two is our money. I went over some of this in yesterday's entry... money is just frighteningly tight right now. Yes - I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just have no idea how the heck we are supposed to get there. Somehow we have to make my husband's check on the 30th stretch for 2 car payments... our electric bill... (or it will be shut off), our satellite bill (which normally I would not require and not care if it was shut off... but the first 2 weeks in August my stepdaughter will be over... needless to say, we MUST have TV for her), our phone bill... the baby's food and formula... plus our food... and our extra food because my stepdaughter will be over. And whatever else I may have temporarily forgotten. There is just no way it can happen.
Aside from those two big issues... I just have all the "normal" little ones that, I think are just magnified in my mind and my worries right now because - well I am really not sure why but they are. I know I need to make sure my pregnancy is going good... I need to change my doctors appointment for this week instead of next... what am I going to do if my husband decides he "has" to stay upstate for this "training" crap he has to go to. Will I make myself nuts over it? Will I be able to keep my stepdaughter happy while she is here while her daddy is at work for 2 weeks? What "neat" things will I come up with for us to do? Is the baby going to give herself brain damage smacking her head so hard into the back of her swing like she does when she is aggravated? I need to get her out of her swing. (See dog issue #1 above.) I want the play room done in the front room. What if when they pull the wood burning stove and bricks out they rip a big whole in the wall? I need a good nights sleep. I need to not have so many nightmares. What is causing all that anyway...? (Probably my pregnancy hormones...) See...... it just goes on... and on... and on... and on... and on...
07.21.2003
2:36 p.m.
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