Sometimes I wish I could just forget the past. Not all of it, just the bad things... last year was so unfair. I had the best experience of my life (having my daughter) and at the same time, the worst experience.
I want to forget everything he did so badly. I just want to move forward and know that everything he tells me now REALLY is the truth. How can I believe him so easily? And, if I don't, it's not fair, right? Because by being untrusting, I am sabotaging his good efforts to really make things right... right? But how do I know it is sincere? Ahhh - there is that word again, TRUST.
God I never knew it would be so hard. I am scared. I am scared of the intense pain I have felt knowing what he has done to me, I am scared of raising my baby girl alone... but I will. I just don't want to do it alone - I don't want to have to think that way... I don't want to feel like I have to be prepared at any given moment to find out that he has been full of shit, and have my entire world come crashing down around me... again.
So this is where I stand. I am trying to trust him... but at times I just can't help wondering if he is lying about things... and that is not fair to him if he really is trying - but it's not fair to me if he is not. Maybe there is no right way to go forward. When he touches me, it feels so sincere. So I should just trust that, right? Then when he dodges a question, it feels so fake. So I should trust that, right?
Today, I am going with sincere. Hopefully it won't backfire on me, again.
03.05.2003
1:58 p.m.
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