Perfect moments...

He asked me last night if I am happy...

I am.. most of the time. That is a huge improvement from where I was at a few months ago, when he seemed to be lying to me about anything and everything - even things there was no sense in him lying about.

It's like everything I want is so close within an arms grasp... every now and then it reverts and seems so far away, but I know that is only in my mind. It feels like the only wild card in my life - is him. But on that same note, HE is the reason I am so close to everything I have always wanted. If he did cheat on me again, I would have to back all the way up and start from scratch. This morning he was holding our daughter, and she had fallen asleep in his arms - God everything felt perfect in that moment. I knew he shared my feelings as well... he said - See, I know I'm not the best husband, but at least you know I really am a good Daddy. And everything he said was completely true. I told him he is getting better at being a husband too - he said he has a long way to go though, and I didn't argue. He does. But at least I know he is trying.

I just get so confused... we have those "perfect" moments - and then we have moments where I still wonder if I am being deceived by him somehow. Two nights ago, he was online and I was with him, and he added a name to his buddy list, and on it I saw the name of his ex-affair as well. (Just a couple of weeks ago he said he had removed it, I had checked, and it was gone.) Now it was back...? I just don't get it. And STILL he takes his "harmless flirting" too far. For instance, he had in his away message a link to a "survey" that he was trying to have everyone fill out... with VERY personal information - how many times per week do you masturbate? how many sexual partners have you had? Etc, etc... He "says" not really anyone filled it out (though the 2 people he did tell me filled it out he has NO PLACE knowing that information about anyway.) But how so I set a line in this? He is SO DAMN GOOD at being manipulative.

This got longer than I expected... I'll write more later.

03.07.2003
11:52 a.m.