It feels like my husband and I are about to implode on one another, or maybe explode is the right word here - I am not very sure at this point.
We are both just stressed beyond our limits. As of today my husband is out of paxil, we are left to hope his Aunt can western union us the $85 for the refill. He just left with our last $5 to get milk for the babies. No, wait, I lied... I have $5 in emergency singles stashed in the desk. But the kids will be out of diapers in a day or so - my little guy has an upset tummy today too, which is accelerating the rate of diaper consumption. Did I mention the diapers cost more than our remaining $5?
Of course, we still have not heard from our piece of shit tenants in NY - I can't wait for the day I get to tell them there is no way in hell we will renew their lease. I just hope they leave easily. I hope they leave before the lease is up in June, especially if my husband does not get the job in Houston. For all my "I don't fucking want to go to Houston" screams I have been doing, it is looking better and better by the day.
If it is anywhere but here, I am all for it. And besides, if we get to Houston and the job does not work out, or things just are not right, we can just find a way to NY. As long as we are out of here.
I would love a piece of chocolate, or a xanax. I could have either, but non will "fix" anything. Believe it or not, the chocolate may soothe my nerves better than the xanax right now - but see, I told myself if we do move back to Houston, or NY, I would rather no longer feel like a fat cow embarrassed to show my face to people I know, who remember me a good deal lighter. So I am also fighting that demon as well. I swear it is painful. Pathetic isn't it?
I hope the computer piece comes soon. I am running out of room in my book - and this is going to all be a pain to type, and organize.
03.07.2005
3:35 p.m.
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