Saturday, September 8, 2012

In My Mother's Shadow

Today I realized I had been so wrapped up in everything that has happened recently, to even think to get my mother a mother's day card. My husband told me the other day he has no way to get me anything... and I know that. And maybe it's selfish, but I do hope he can at least somehow pull off a card. Material things really don't matter, and I know that. Just.. for whatever reason, at least a card would be nice. Even a day or so late.
Anyway... so today during my run to the store I grabbed a card for my mom. I ended up putting it back, because I had to make a choice, card for my mom (which I can just sent her an e-card) or something for my daughter. I choose the e-card. I hope she understands. On getting home and telling my husband about my dilemma, he realized we have no card for his mom... so I should have gotten one for her. Maybe everyone will get their mother's day cards a bit late?
My mother and I have not always gotten along, at all. Things she has done that I know of, and look back on, make me cringe now. But there are things I know she never would have done, that I know never happened (send me off with grown men at some insanely young age) that apparently my older brother has quite effectively poisoned my husband with. This came up in a conversation between us just the other night. This same story, that I know I have set straight in the past... yet, still my husband takes my older brother's word over mine. Or something. It just hurts, and really irritates the hell out of me.
I already worry enough about what traits I may share with my mother... will he think I will not clean well as time goes on, as he saw in the past my mother did not. Will he worry I will get "odd" like she can be as I age. (It can be an endearing quality, but you have to understand her to "get" it.) And not only do I have to deal with knowing the flaws she really did have, but I have to what... spend the rest of my life dealing with ones she really did not have, because it is easier to believe an insanely tall tale than it is to believe me? At least that's how I felt, the other night talking to my husband.
They don't really like each other, and never really have... especially after how he hurt me (she doesn't even know the full story) it just made it even harder for her to like him. But sometimes I wish for my sake they would both just get the hell over it. His constant references to her tarot reading (*edited: 5:42 pm: He has not knocked her tarot reading really, that was a bad example, but he has knocked plenty of other things) as if its insane woman talk, her constant reference to my "unfortunate choice" of a "Yankee" man...
Someday, both my husbands mother, and mine, will be elderly. Someday, they will probably need our help. Who in our families will step up to the plate for that? My husband's brother is a total screw up when it comes to actual responsibility, so we of course will sincerely happily shoulder the weight of taking care of his mother. My older brother I have serious doubts will help out... my even older brother has not spoken to my mother in 20 some years, my younger brother... I love him, but he thinks he can live his entire life living off my mother... or doing odds and ends jobs... so when my mother needs help, *I* will be the one to step in. Whether she has been there for me or not through out my life, I will be there for her. It is simply my duty, my place. I hate feeling like she takes a second hand to everything in my husband's perspective sometimes. I just really wish he would have more understanding. I really do.

I have been needing to get that out. My husband and I have been not communicating well the past couple of weeks, and I am sure it is mostly my fault, my perception is probably off or something, but I just feel like for everything I say, he has a "correction" or smart ass remark, or negative, demeaning comment... and I am so tired of it. Though I admit, it may just be the way I am seeing things. Still, it is driving me down.
On a very good note, our house in NY is officially out of foreclosure, my husband can work miracles with mortgages... and our eviction here has been suspended. We are not completely out of the woods (he still has to get $200 from us) but things are looking much better. Our tenants should know that they have no reason or excuse to be in MY house after June 1st, so we are moving forward with our plans to get the hell out of this negative, toxic place by the end of the month.
After recent events, I think my husband and I are both completely spooked about the drive. So we are just going to take it very slow and steady.

As for my sweet friend Jack, he is being laid to rest today.

2:59 p.m.

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