Saturday, September 8, 2012

Injured feelings and foggy memories

I have lots to say... but I am very tired so I have no idea if any of it will come out right or not... but I wanted to at least give it a try, because I don't get the opportunity during the day these days like I used to...
In my previous entry I did mean everything I said... but one paragraph in particular may have been a bit more hurtful than I intended. My husband has done nice things for me on Valentine's Day before... we have gone to dinner, he has sent me roses and gone through all the motions - and it has meant something. It has meant a lot. I just really can't stand the way he always acts like it is such a "nothing special about it" day.
The past 2 Valentine's Day's I have been contemplating leaving him. He may or may not know that... but they have been absolutely seriously painful, turmoil filled days. And for the one before that, I was wearing rose colored glasses... was pregnant with my first child, and had a husband that cared so much he sent me crystal roses and a dozen real roses and a picture frame when I was at my office... and I want to remember that Valentine's Day for all those wonderful things... I really do... because on THAT day, it was so nice. And my life was perfect... but just after that things crumbled all around me... and so I am forever asking whether it was "real" - or was it born out of his guilt for what he was about to begin...
Anyway... I don't want to get off on all that now... it is in the past... truly in the past. Our Valentine's Days before that I don't have much memory of at all... and I assume it is because in the past he always scoffed at it... maybe it is because it is the day his ex-wife wanted them to be married on (instead they were married February 15th) maybe he just sees it as propaganda and useless.... whatever the reason, my main memories of my husband's view on Valentine's Day are mostly bad or at least negatively toned ones.
And this year seemed like it had such potential to be so much better. (And still does.) Now.. even if he is not here ON Valentine's "Day" we can still do something the Saturday before... I am not so dense as to not accept something like that... but just the way he went about it bothers me so much. As ridiculous as it may be, it is a day I like to devote to all things that "represent" love, and our union... and all that fluffy "stuff" and I am just tired of feeling so alone on it. Valentine's Day in my marriage has not been good for a couple of years... I just want it to be different this year.
The last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings... or "put down" the things he HAS done in the past. I just want it to be a happy day... finally... because the past 2 years it has not been.
I just wanted to clarify that...

11:34 p.m.

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