We interrupt your regularly scheduled "even though we are up shit creek without a paddle everything is going to all work out and be ok" crap for a "I really feel like shit and it's going to show in this entry" rant...
See... when it comes down to it... I really could give a damn if the internet is working here. I do nothing truly important on it. (My husband does need it for his resumes and contacts and such these days, but even that can be done by phone at this point for the most part.) So, waking up this morning to discover our service had been disconnected... really did not affect me that badly, at least I didn't think it did. Though... I am betting it was a catalyst for my mood... it just reminds me of how fragile our situation is... and how much we need to just get the hell home already. (For the record, we just got the past due notice yesterday, so I was not expecting it just yet...)
But now I am just in a shitty mood. I am fucking hungry. But I can't eat anything. See... I realized the one difference I am doing now, to what I did after having my daughter (when the weight just melted off me) I at that time only ate once a day, granted I did allow myself chocolate then, but I only truly ate once a day. And yes, I am aware that all the "I know more than you do so you are supposed to eat 5 small meals a day" dieticians will tell you that is the wrong way to go about it - but I know my body and I know what worked in the past. So, the past few days I have only allowed myself a couple of pieces of buttered bread around lunch time, and then dinner. Hopefully I will notice a difference when I step on the scale next week... but now, I can't even do that. I am out of butter... and when my husband went to the store this morning to grab (free) boxes I forgot to tell him to get butter. I can just eat the bread of course... and I probably will... it just really sucks.
And my fucking hip hurts. Really, really hurts. Probably because I am more stressed so my muscles are even more tense and I just want to go to a corner and cry - but I can't do that either. There are juice cups to make and diapers to change... no time for a break down now... Plus my lower back has been having fits off and on since the other day when we took both munchkins to the park... I probably put extra strain on myself with the bigger stroller or something. Can I just cry?
So, of course when I get extra stressed... I want something sweet, which makes me feel like more of a failure... and the cycle continues.
Once more we are down to no money. And the fridge is empty, the pantry too... and I honestly don't know what to do.
I just really want to cry. Or scream. And I have done such a horrible job at hiding my shitty mood today... my husband later on will probably give me the "lecture" about how *I* need to be happy and calm (pretend I suppose?) because then it is *MY* fault when he gets unraveled and snappy. (Meanwhile he has such a double standard it is infuriating) - but see.. now I am stressing about something that may not even happen. Maybe this time he will be understanding... (you know, comfort me and all that crap...)
Stress, stress, stress, stress......
Edited 9:22 pm - Thanks to my sweet mother - in - law we are back online. And my mood is much less cynical now... at least on most things. And thankfully my husband never did give me that "lecture" I just "knew" I was getting... that would have just sent things into more of a downward spiral. But so far... things are ok... now my head is just pounding.
Secrets... secrets... I just don't understand.
04.05.2005
12:43p.m.
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