I had the best weekend with my husband that I have had in a very, very long time. Much too long... I realized. I think I realized something this weekend I had forced myself to be oblivious to. After discovering his affair last year, I had nearly completely closed myself off emotionally... to him. Then I had forced myself to look at everything through rose colored glasses - How could I be sad? I was about to have a baby!! And there was no way in hell she was going to see me sad. So I got stuck... the rose colored glasses have now been long gone... but yet I've still not completely allowed myself to open back up to the one person that cares about me the most - my husband.
It's like I have been continually waiting for "the REST of the bad news to hit.." When really... there is no more bad news. I dealt with it all already. And we got through it.
Through it all this weekend though, I did have one moment of real sadness. I was sitting on the porch yesterday with my husband... and my neighbor's drove up, into their driveway and I realized... it was not my neighbor at all. It was her mother. Apparently watching her grandson for the day. My mother I have not really spoken to since a few days before Thanksgiving... when she hung up on me on the phone. I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday in December, and she was a total bitch... and for some dumb reason this past week I thought maybe she would be "over it" I tried to call her again... just to "talk" and I put the phone down with tears in my eyes. I even had a dream about it last night, where I was telling her exactly what I think of her behavior. Something I could probably never do in real life. I just feel like, outside my husband and daughter (and baby on the way) I have no family. No one to turn to if I really need it. I know for the most part my husbands family likes me and of course would be there, as they have countless times recently with regard to our finances... but *I* have no one. So all that burden is on his family. And I can only talk to them so much... I feel like I have to censor my words because they are very "sensitive" - which sometimes makes me nuts.
I'll be back later...