I feel like such a fuck up - I really do.
Last night, my husband (probably joking around, knowing what a screw up I am) said "want to fool around later?" I answered "sure" - almost immediately wondering if I should take it back. Would I just be setting him up to look forward to just yet another one of my failures? He had promised me a back rub, in return for the one I had given him the night before...
Bed time rolls around, and as I am getting my back rub... I knew it was going to be a ruff night. I just could not relax. His touch hurt more than it felt good.. (my fault, not his, he is very good at back rubs..) I used to enjoy his back rubs... I miss feeling them. Really feeling them.
By the time we made it to the "sex" part my body was just completely not cooperating. I tried to work through it... I tried so hard. But when I do that at some point I get frustrated with how frustrated I am... and I lose it anyway.
I made my poor husband stop, turned over, and cried into my pillow. What the hell is wrong with me?
My frustrations continued today.. my mother (finally) got a job again, so I knew going into the day I would have some maneuvering to do to make sure I got my workout in. And I had such high hopes. The higher they are... the harder they fall right? I wanted to put my baby boy to bed for his nap, gather my daughter and her potty, stick her in my room with me (where my bike is) have her watch TV or something while I got in my 22 hard, fast paced minutes. (I have been pedaling 7 miles in that time recently, 3 days a week.)
True to form, my brother decided that - even though they have lived there for what... over 5 months now - he was going to come up the damn stairs (making the dogs go nuts... and he KNOWS they will go nuts) and ask to use my damn defrost on my microwave. He knows what time the kids sleep. He is just too self-centered to actually care I suppose. So.. the dogs bark - waking Aidan. Finally my brother goes away... and I decide to try to get my 20 minutes in anyway... I figure Aidan will go back to sleep.
It was a total disaster. Of course my daughter takes advantage of my being unable to be on top of her every move in disappointing ways... and my son did not go back to sleep... I got so frustrated after 10 minutes in I hit the damn bike (to try to get my daughter's attention) and the LCD screen shut down. Now I had lost track of my progress. Aidan was crying... Jillian was totally misbehaving... and deciding I will be that much further away from not being so fat and gross for another day... I coincided defeat.
My son finally went back to sleep - and now my daughter is sleeping on the couch. Of course if I tried again.. I know it would just be as disastrous as before.. so at this point it is, pointless. I need a shower though - because I managed to somehow work up a sweat in that 10 minutes.
So... now to be worthwhile at all in my exercise, I probably have to get up at 5am, before my husband even does, to get it done. Then of course I will self-consciously worry he will be awake and watching me, because the bike is right beside the bed... but - whatever. And I worry I will just not be worth a shit at all during the day doing that... (and then there is always the question, what if the kids hear me up and just get up very early... then I am really screwed...) Even though I may clearly be not worth a shit at sex... I still can't fall asleep before 1am most nights. Not that I am doing anything fun in that time... no... I am just worrying about anything and nothing.
I feel like my husband deserves so much better than what I have been giving him (in the bedroom) - I mean I see things other women say... how they look forward to sex... and I just feel so, inadequate. I feel like there must be something wrong with me.
And with all the working out I am doing... I don't understand why the scale still is not moving. I am noticing a difference in myself in a few small ways... so.. what the hell gives?
I am sorry this was such a downer.. I just had to get it all out - and this is my place to do it.
11.07.2005
3:19 p.m.
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