I have so much on my mind - I just wish I could hit "download" and have it all splayed nicely across the screen for me. Wondering through it all on my own to make it sound at all understandable seems nearly impossible at the moment. Especially right now - sitting at Starbucks... the damn music playing in here is driving me crazy, and it seems about 4 decibels too loud.
At 2 am on Wednesday my husband left to pick up a friend of his... and on from there drive to Florida. Somewhere in the past few months I have forgotten why we can't get our truck registered in NY... oh - I think it is the extreme amount of back insurance we would have to pay or something... but he is on his way to register it in Florida. His friend has residency there - so that is what he is doing.
Somewhere in all of this I began to question my husband. I hate that. I wonder when the day will come when I don't question his every move. I thought I had reached it a while ago. And I had. I had gone out of town a few times, he had taken trips. He had been out late, late at night with "work things" and it all just rolled off me.
What's changed? I sense his unhappiness. Do I think he is down there screwing up? I hope he isn't. Sometimes I see something in my husband that terrifies me. Sometimes is seems as though, he could just leave. Leave us all behind. And I have not been able to stop the flow of questions in my head recently... [what if he is just leaving and never coming back], I have tried... but more have just followed. [What if he WISHES he could just leave, and never come back...]
I do not want him to be unhappy. This year has been impossibly hard for him. I know that. I don't even know where I am going with this entry. All this shit just keeps forcing it's way through my head, but now that I have made time to sit down and get it all out - I just can't. Maybe it is fear.
I know, in the other times I have felt so concerned, I have had reason to be. But now seems out of place. But I just know how miserable he has been.
He has suggested more than once recently just moving out of state. Starting over. He says in Florida - I would not be happy with Florida. But I wonder if he is onto something. Just start fresh and new... but then we would have to do so quickly - we are set to buy this house we have been looking at in weeks. But the decision seems too rash and quick to me. I just want happiness for us. As a family. I think back to the last time we had actual financial security - we were in Texas. I do NOT want to go back to Texas though either. I do not want to go anywhere in the south - I hate the heat. I love the snow. I just feel so confused.
I love it here to much. There are so many things about it here that I just could not duplicate anywhere else - I have found a great community I at least sort of fit into... we have a doctor who seems to be one of a kind... he is trying his hardest to help me with my hip - and to help my baby girl with all of the issues she seems to have.
And my step-daughter is here. My husband got so upset on Father's day - she got him nothing. Not even a damn card. Yet she told him about the crap she got her step-father. I would like to know what the hell THAT is all about. And if it was supposed to be MY responsibility to get him something on her behalf.. I didn't know - and she is certainly old enough to tell me.
I am just so frustrated. On one hand I see life as about to get so good - but I see so many obstacles. And there is this underlying fear I have about my marriage. I know my husband loves me. But is he still IN love with me? I have felt recently like he has just been trying to push me away. It has been devastating me.
He seems to be speaking to everyone else BUT me about the things that are important - me he is just nagging about the same redundant shit. I wonder if we just need a vacation... yet I just feel like crying too.
After I called him this morning and was surprised he was just waking up - he had said they would be heading on the rest of the way "early" - that to me is much earlier than 8 am - he text messages me "stop being so suspicious." I wanted to scream. Why is his conscience that guilty? But then... that would open up an entirely new can of worms. I just hate this. I hate my uncertainty. It was GONE. It WAS really GONE. His misery lately has brought it all flooding back.
Several nights last week, I cried myself to sleep wondering "maybe he just doesn't love me anymore, but feels too guilty to say it." That is not how I am supposed to feel. Then *I* feel guilty even mentioning any of it. What if it is all in MY head.
I just feel so lost.
But I am going to end this pathetic ramble now. I need to go home, and hug my babies. Just for shit's & giggles.. if you get more than a foot of snow a winter... I would love to know your average house prices in your area. The entire reason he was talking about moving, aside from running away from our problems, and his ridiculous family - and the sheer desire to start fresh... was that we could take the money we are selling the Florida condo, and the additional we are getting for our house after the mortgage is paid off... and we could go somewhere and get a house all in cash. I have to say.... having NO mortgage, truly sincerely owing a place - NO ONE could take away, is a very, very tempting thing. But then, what about the house we are buying now... it leaves too many unanswered questions.
I just want to feel secure, in every aspect of my life.
06.22.2006
2:09 p.m.
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