Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Mother issues...

I hope everyone had a wonderful long weekend!
I am finally beginning to feel back to myself again... not like the loose cannon psycho-bitch of last week - well... no more than normal anyway at least. So things are at least beginning to get back to normal.
And the good news... in our house search we have found one we LOVE. But I will say no more than that at the moment... not until I know it is ours. (Think good thoughts for us!) AND on Saturday we already had 3 people look at our house! I am bordering on excited... but still stuck in "worried it is too good to be true." My husband says he wants us in the new place by my birthday... I think that would be amazing. Why do we always seem to move in June? (Maybe it is a good sign we WILL get the place and be moving this month? - Yay for positive thinking anyway right?!)
Of course there is one thorn in my side. Isn't there always? This time, it is my mother. Seriously. I am at my wits end... and I really do not know where to go from here with her. If I tell them to leave - they will just say we have no money to go. If they stay, they will continue to make me nuts, leech off my finances, and apparently, try to undermine me to my husband, and make me look bad.
My mother has some stones on her though.. I have to give her that. Apparently on Saturday while I was running errands, she sat my husband down... and, in a nutshell... told him I do nothing, and she does everything. That the moment he leaves in the morning, I ring her phone, and get her to come help... and I sit in my chair all day, and do nothing. Now - I do spend plenty of time in this chair, in front of the computer because my son would climb to the top of it and nose dive off... (YAY new house... if we get it *hope, pray, hope, pray, hope* there will be an entire room I can devote to the computer... so it will be out of the kids reach... away from them... I will be mobile again! I can't WAIT!) Anyway... she apparently just completely made me look like shit. And made herself look like a savior. Now... as I stifle my desire to throw so many of my childhood memories at her and only look at the present - I have to scream - it is ALL bullshit. I do get her to help... but damn. Most of the time she is sitting on her ass in front of MY TV, talking about all the things she *should* be doing, instead of sitting on her ass in front of MY TV.
And I do not know what to do. I have a letter all written out - but I am worried it is too harsh, and will come across hurtful. I do not want to be hurtful. But if I sit her down to talk to her about it, she will cry, manipulate, and walk off in a huff before I even get to MAKE my point. I feel so trapped.
Anyway... for your reading stresses, below is the letter I have written to my mother... and not given her yet. If anyone has any ways I can soften it up - without letting go of my determination and force... I am open to suggestions.
Dear Mother,

I am seriously disturbed by something that happened Saturday, and has apparently happened before. You said something to Andrew along the lines of I "call you up here as SOON as he leaves" each day. And that I just sit in the chair all day... and that I seem to "baby sit" my children more than parent them.
You said all this under the guise of your "concern" for me or some such crap....
Having you (and Matt - until recently) here has been a huge help. Now I am going to TRY to choose my words here very carefully, because you take offense to everything very easily, and I know how you are - and no matter what gets said I am sure this will cause some sort of issue...
This was NOT the first time - (BUT WAS THE LAST) time yesterday I heard from Andrew how you feel I do not do enough with my children. First off let me say just how unfair that is to him. If you have an issue with me - I expect you to come to ME with it.
Next, I do not appreciate feeling undermined to my husband. I do not appreciate feeling like the things I do with MY family have been erased or manipulated by you. If you do not like helping out around here, then all you have to do is say so.
However let me say this - I have relied on you to help me out recently for several reasons... the obvious being: it is easier to have an extra hand around than to do it all on my own. That being said - I did it all on my own JUST FINE for 3 years, with less yelling and stress in many ways when I *was* doing it all on my own. Having you here has been an extreme help - but is NOT something I can not live without.
And why should I not expect you to help? YOU said, last June when we made this "deal" that you would have a job within 2 months - that you KNEW most definitely you could get a job at [omitted company name], or [omitted company name]. You KNEW you would contribute. You KNEW you would pay rent. You ASSURED me of it. Now last week you had the audacity to say "well, I don't think that basement is worth the $500 a month we discussed anyway" - EXCUSE ME?? Who the hell are you to even SAY that. Just for arguments sake - if it was in MINT condition I could get over $1200 a month for it. Meanwhile I also pay the damn utilities. Matt's fucking TV. The water - EVERYTHING. THAT ALONE is nearly worth $500 a month. But I have let it all slide.
All of it.
Now we are looking at moving - together. All of us. We made damn sure we found a house with a basement that can easily be converted into an apartment for YOU and for Matt. Even though Matt has become a black cloud of negative energy sitting in MY home. Even though I have not received a damn penny of "rent" from you. We did not HAVE to do this. We saw plenty of listings with places that seemed perfect - they just had one problem... no room for you.
I am tempted to ask myself just how much longer I am going to be walked all over.
I know, you have excuses for everything. You car was taken - so then suddenly getting you around became MY responsibility. That has been a huge problem that was never part of our original deal. And when I do refuse - you complain and moan and make me MISERABLE telling me how horrible the buses are, and how you HATE NY because everything to you is convoluted - YOU become the negative energy flow.
It is NOT my fault your car was taken. It is NOT my fault you let Matt walk all over you. All I hear are complaints. You can't get from point A to B. You hate your life (thankfully you have laid off that one recently) Matt is driving you nuts... but you just want to complain about it all - and not DO anything about it.
I got off track.
I do NOT appreciate having Andrew put in the middle. If you think I do not do enough around MY home - then you need to come to ME with your issues. But be ready to hear everything I have to say in return. If you are not willing to lend a hand with the children - then go out and get a job so you can contribute another way. Frankly - we may just be at that point now. I will not be belittled. And Matt needs to find a way to contribute too. He is just as full of excuses. The other day he dared to ask me about "what happened to the car Andrew was going to help Mom get" - I stifled my intense desire to call him an ungrateful fuck and said we RAN OUT OF MONEY. I told him though - if in the future we could again help... would he then assure me HE would get a job, and begin to pay it back. And all I got... were excuses. "Well... uhhhh.. yeah, uhhh.. I guess, if uhh.. Mom doesn't... and uhhhh.. well maybe within TWO months I think - but.. uhhh... every job I have ever had I got because someone I knew got it for me and uhh...." - Wait.. I am sorry - he expects EVERY THING IN HIS DAMN LIFE TO BE HANDED TO HIM on a silver platter. He has NO DAMN MONEY yet he refuses to eat the perfectly good food he DOES have and bitches until YOU (dumbly, in my opinion) give in and walk to the store for him. But then I hear from YOU how it upsets you. You put yourself in that position.
I can not continue to give hand outs if I am going to be made to feel like shit over it.
I would like all this settled in some way before we move - please. I refuse to put a huge sum of money into converting that basement to an apartment, just to be shit on behind my back.
I realize in this letter I came off stronger than I originally intended. I am sure it has upset you and all - that is not what I want. What I want is respect. I want you to understand I appreciate the help you give me with the children - but I CAN do this on my own... I have in the past and we were doing great. When all I hear are complaints and moans from you, or Matt, or from you THROUGH Andrew - it just makes me want to give up and say the "help" is just not worth the issues it seems to be causing.
I just do not know what else to say. But apparently, things need to change - and I want it all done in one way or another before we move, and start dumping money into a full scale basement renovation.
Love you,
I know... It is harsh, right? But I just got going... and everything I have pent up poured out. (That is only the half of it... but it is a start.) I just do not know what to do. If I sit her down and try to TELL her this, I won't make it an eighth of the way through before she huffs and puffs off - and then she will probably just become a "squatter" in my basement. Everyone warned me about bringing her up here. Everyone. But I wanted to give her the chance......... some things - and people - never change.

9:37 p.m.

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