For the most part, I had a good weekend. And when I say weekend I am including Thursday night at Friday in there too, because my step daughter was here until Saturday night for Easter Weekend.
It's just that, there is always something that is hanging around, something that always happens, to remind me of what a hard, ruff year last year was. We had an "incident" this weekend. Not the first, though the first of it's kind - however I am certain it was not the last.
Let me set the scene: Saturday we went to my in-laws house because we were doing "Easter" a day early, my husband, daughter and I were sitting on the couch in the living room, and across the room from us, actually in the dining room was my mother-in-law and step daughter. They were looking through a book of baby names, trying to help us with any ideas they could because we have LOTS of idea's for boy names, but if this baby is a girl - we have NO ideas. So they are calling out a name or so here and there and suddenly my mother-in-law (jumping with excitement at finding such a great name) throws out of her mouth none other than the whore's name. (The whore: my "o-so-affectionate" term for the bitch my husband fucked and had quite the affair with for 4 or so months while I was pregnant last year.) Of course, as soon as she said it, it was clear she wanted to do everything she could to take it back. (My mother-in-law is the only one who knows what went on in his family.) So immediately she said "no, I'm sorry, that's a stupid name..." but this sparked the interest of my near 10 year old step daughter even more. The situation was diffused quickly, and, at least on the outside, I laughed it off.
On the inside, my heart ripped to shreds. But I've gotten it back together again now, as together as I can get it anyway. I feel like my life will forever be tainted by that "woman" - that whore. I harbor so much pure rage and hate towards her. And I even know that is not right - SHE is not the one who was married, with a pregnant trusting wife sitting at home (though she knew he was...) But, I have so much rage and hate and pure anger for the situation - I have to focus it somewhere, and I can't focus it on my husband. I have chosen to go forward with him - though cautiously - still forward. So all my rage, anger and hurt are focused on her instead. I despise knowing I live on the same Island as her. It makes my skin crawl to know I breathe the same air she does. It makes my heart turn inside out and fall to pieces to think of a time they may have shared together. I mean, one year ago sometime THIS WEEK they started the affair.
This is going to be a ruff few months ahead for me, I know it.
04.21.2003
3:27 p.m.
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