My house.

My house is like a constant ache in the back of my mind that just won't go away. You would think I would be happy, right? Finally being able to BUY a house was such a huge accomplishment for us. And ever since we moved in here... I have not been able to say I am truly, 100% happy. That is not fair. Of course, life never is fair... but give me a break already.

Currently, I am happy. I feel the happiest I have felt since about March of last year. But still my house is like a thorn in my side. We moved in here the middle of June last year - I was 6 months pregnant. It wasn't but a little over a week after that I realized that my husband was not who he said he was at all... and that he was having an affair. It was a month still after that before I got "hard evidence" - and yet another month after that before he truly did stop fucking around with the whore. (He says he stopped right away in July, but in August I intercepted another letter, and have "heard things" - so I am not a fool... at least not any more.) But after that - I did not have time to really "work through my feelings" because I HAD to force myself to be happy... because I was going to have a baby... ANY day... and there was NO WAY I was going to ever let her feel she came into a sad home. I really did not get to work through any of those feelings until recently... and still I have troubles with it all at times, but at least now I have worked myself to a position that I can look ahead of "us" my family - including my husband, to the future and everything GOOD it holds, instead of to the past.

So, now back to the topic that got me started on this rant: My house. My house needs a LOT of work. I am not happy with it, and I have really never been happy with it since we moved in - due to reasons I mentioned earlier. I have not yet really had the chance to get to know my house... during the months I could have, instead it was more of a torture chamber for my pain, rather than a sanctuary from it. I have never had the chance to do all the things I wanted to with it - so it just sits here, with one room half finished, another with paneling all through it - (I HATE that paneling) and most of it just in a simple but chaotic state of disarray. It is like such a huge project that I don't even know where to start. But this morning I think I had a break through... I have been looking at this all wrong. Instead of looking at the "house" as such a huge problem, I need to look at it room by room.

Wish me luck...

03.14.2003
12:24 p.m.