I feel like I have so much to put into this entry... and I do not even know where to start. Here we are... a new year is almost here... and rarely are we given a glimpse into what a year actually holds. Rarely do we have the "privilege" to know the future.
Yet, right now I do. One month ago today, was just another day. Two days later, my mother-in-law learned terrifying news. One year to live, we were told. How could the doctor have been so wrong in that prognosis? Because now, here we sit - she is in the hospital already, in horrible shape. We have wondered how many days she may have left with us. Not how many months. My heart feels like it is broken into a thousand pieces, and I just do not know what will put it back together again.
Yesterday I spent the day with her in the hospital. I had not been able to see her since Thanksgiving... but my mother was off, and stayed with my children... even though my poor baby boy had a heck of a cold... and I went - I had myself as prepared as I could for how much she must have deteriorated since I last saw her... and thankfully (or not) I was not too off in my mental picture. She is so weak. She had not had any pain medication since the night before, but even still, she was unable get out more than a word or two at a time... and she could not lift her hands to do something as simple as put a spoon to her mouth.
When I first got there, I had to choke back the tears... which I expected. And I gathered myself together very well for most of the day. At one point though, the head nurse came in, and asked her "do you know who is here with you" - and it must have taken all her strength at that moment, but she said the longest sentence she had said all day, "that's my sweet, sweet daughter in-law." And then mustered up a true, so sweet smile, and looked at me. The nurse said "ohh, I see, she must be your favorite!" And my mother-in-law just smiled back at her. There is so much I want to say to her before she is gone... so much I need to thank her for. I did not take that opportunity yesterday... she just really seemed so out of it so often. I will go back next week, and whether she is any better or not, I will make sure I get it all out. I had brought a book to read and everything.. but I never even pulled it out of my purse. I just held her hand as she slept... so she would know that she was not alone.
When my husband got back there later in the day, that is when I had the hardest time hiding my emotions. To see the adoring, and so concerned look in his eyes, as he looked at her... I could just hardly handle it. But he is being so strong, I just can't believe everything he has had to go through this year. I saw the tears well up in his eyes a few times, and it was just so hard to contain the emotions in the room. When she reached up and brushed his hair, I just knew he was going to lose it.. but he didn't. He stayed strong. I just wish there was a way I could fix all of this... and just make it all better.
There just is no way to make it all better... and it has broken my heart.
After leaving the hospital last night, my husband and I actually went to dinner together... alone. I can not remember the last time we did that. But it was nice... we even had a few good genuine laughs... and we need that so much, especially right now. I hope we can keep the promise we made one another last night, to try to do that once a month from now on.
I really do not have too much else to say today... tonight when my husband gets home from the hospital, we are just going to stay in, and watch the ball drop. I have a bottle of champagne to open. And hopefully it will just be a nice relaxing night.
I hope you all have a wonderful, and safe, healthy New Year!