Saturday, September 8, 2012

Questioning myself

Currently I feel fine.
But it seems every morning I have been feeling fine and calling myself crazy and thinking there is no way I am pregnant... only to feel like I could puke at any moment in the evening. There is still that funny taste in my mouth that is just constantly lingering. I figure, IF I am not pregnant... I should get that checked out, maybe something funky is going on with my sinuses.
All that said... feel free to think I am nuts - but I am having this aching feeling that if I'm not, I will be surprisingly disappointed. Maybe I am wrong, and getting excited is just a natural defense I have set up for myself to be happy if I am even though this was totally unplanned.
But my husband made some very good points last week when I was basically stuck on freak out about it... My main concern regarding my body is I still need to lose weight, and then we want to get pregnant this summer anyway... well... why lose the weight just to get pregnant to have to lose it all over again... I can just handle it all at once this fall. So far, after having my other 2 my body goes into weight loss overload just after the baby is born... and the weight melts off... so I could propel myself right where I want to go with that momentum. (I regained weight early last year/stopped losing once starting the paxil after what happened last January.) And we will have insurance anyway in March, so that problem I was worried with eliminates itself...
I just worry about my other two. I don't want to give up any time with them yet... and a new baby inevitably would cause that. Granted I was worried about the same thing when I was pregnant with my son... even though he was planned... I still had "guilt" about giving up any time with my baby girl, and I didn't want her feelings to be hurt with her mommy preoccupied and such...
But having them all close together is very important to me. And just today, I had such a moment watching my two sweet babies... I was getting everything ready to give them bath's, and I set them both in my daughter's room... (on the other side of the baby gate) and at first they wanted out.. but as I was busy grabbing outfits and towels and such, I heard them start to giggle... and I got to stand there without being noticed for a good 5 minutes as my baby girl took her little brother around her room and showed him her toys, tried to make him take an imaginary sip from a cup... and it was wonderful.
They are going to be such a dynamic duo as they grow together. I would rather add to that with another one now... and have a dynamic trio... than a third wheel that could cause hurt feelings, and jealousy, and such.
Then again... maybe I am just crazy, premenstrual, and hormonal.

1:13 p.m.

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