Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Short end of the stick

< whine >
Am I just selfish?
All I want, is to be back on my paxil right now. But I can't do that. I can't get there. Because of my husband's damn schedule. He did not even offer to get here in time one day for me to be able to make it. I guess he knows it is a promise he would not keep. So, I get screwed there.
I had to quit my community building workshop, because my husband had to start working so late.
I had to back out of going to the Elements of Magic workshop set to start in January, because of my husband's schedule.
Yet, he is making plans to start playing music with a friend once a month... and is joining into this other monthy thing with his brother...(Maybe I am just being cynical, but I know damn well whether that monthly meeting starts at 9 pm, or 6 pm, he will make sure HE gets there... - but maybe I am just irritated, right?)
He says to me "well when is the last time I have ever done this sort of thing, for me?" Well... my 'defense'? I was finally just getting out and doing shit for ME for the first time IN OUR MARRIAGE. He has had his music before. (This time will be different, in a good way, but it is still more time for him away from us.) Joining the lodge is different, and new - and whatever. If he wants to do it, then fine... but I hate his well *I* am doing something for *me* attitude... while I just get left in the dust.
< / whine>
With everything we are facing right now... I hate that crap like that is bothering me. But he just doesn't see it. He is supposed to do everything in his power when it comes to something like keeping me "healthy" - meanwhile the most obvious thing... offering to take one night and get himself home in time for me to go to the doctor... is something he will not do. Maybe he just has not thought about it... I know he is worrying about so much right now. I am trying so, so hard to keep it all in. But then, this place is my refuge, where I can let it all out so to speak... but then, he reads it. The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings with what I write. Especially now.
He thinks if we have a second car things will be better. First off... I see no real chance for us to get a second car in our future any time soon... and next - even then... am I supposed to invent a baby sitter I am comfortable with? He makes it sound like things are so simple....
Maybe I am just really down, and none of this should be bothering me.
I guess while I am on my self pity session... last night he told me he felt badly.. he had not even gotten anything for me for Christmas yet. It's not like that was a surprise... I had sent him a few things I would love to have... when there was still ample ordering time - and he had not told me to stop checking the bank or anything... he had not asked about how much he could spend.. so I was not surprised. And overall... I know it is not that important. And no matter what, seeing everyone else be so happy with everything on Christmas will ultimately be what makes me happy... it's just that, pretty much I alone have made Christmas for everyone else. I got 90% of the things for the kids on my own... I made sure to get him a few things... but, who is looking out for me? I know he has a lot going on... so I really don't fault him for it at all... and there is still a few days, so I am sure he will come up with something... I just don't know.
From something like going to the doctor, to something as materialistic as a Christmas present... I just want to feel - I can't think of the word.. not watched out for... but I guess that is sort of it..
I love and stand by my husband in every instance right now... I do not want this entry to reflect poorly on him at all - like I said... this is just my place to get it all out. I just hate the way I am feeling. It is Christmas... I just want everyone to be happy.

10:31 a.m.

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