So, my last entry was very, very down. I know that. At that moment, I just needed to get it out. I have been battling all of those feelings, and so much more - and every so often it just bubbles over the top.
On a very good note (I think) later in the day on Tuesday my husband got through to my doctor on the phone... I had tried talking to him last week, but he said he was unable to prescribe anything to me over the phone. My husband can talk anyone into anything though it seems. (He knows my husband, as he treats him too.) Somehow he got him to just get it all done over the phone. So, yesterday I started paxil again. In a way, it feels like a defeat... and I did not expect to feel that way. But hopefully within a few weeks I will be feeling a lot better over all, and it will be well worth it.
The above part of this entry - I actually wrote yesterday morning. And then I got distracted... and then I felt like I got hit between the eyes with a concrete 2 by 4 for a large portion of the afternoon... (ahhh, the wonders of the feelings of seratonin levels adjusting in my head...) so, it just got emailed to myself.. and has been sitting here waiting patiently for me to finish it.
Yesterday I was going to write all about how worried I was that my mother-in-law was going to TELL the kids about her condition ON Christmas Eve, which I was adamantly against... this morning I was going to write about worrying if we will even have Christmas Eve at her place, because overnight her sister took her to the emergency room, she was unable to keep anything down - but she had not eaten for days and was STILL getting sick.
But now the uncertainty is gone... my husband just called me as he left his mother's side in the hospital. And she is being admitted. Somehow from the chemotherapy she has internal bleeding. She is very sick... and has become anemic, so they are going to give her blood, and all sorts of medication. She was given morphine for the pain this morning. And now I am just terrified. I don't know what happens next... I am trying to keep myself sure that this is just a blip on the radar, that she will recover, and come home again. And things will be the semi-normal we were expecting for at least a few more months, like we were expecting. But I just never saw this coming. I never saw ANY of this coming... and I am horrified this is the beginning already - and we are just not ready. My poor husband, he just got over worrying about the phone ringing in the middle of the night with horrible news because of his father being ill for so long...
And now that the older kids will absolutely know something is wrong, my husband will tell my step-daughter tonight, as his older brother will tell his children.
And now I have 24 hours to get my house ready for everyone to get here tomorrow. I had thought even in the worst case scenario we would be going to my husband's brother's house... but instead my husband said they all collectively decided to have it HERE. We still want to make sure we can get all the kids together, somehow. And that is the only way to do it. I have to worry about food, and space - with my tree up I can't fit all the tables in here like I did for Thanksgiving. No matter what, things like that are not important right now. At least we will be together.
I am just so worried.